


You Know I Won't Say Sorry

by 1000lux, akio4000 (1000lux)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst...so much angst, Castration, Coping, Dark, F/M, Grudges, Happy Ending, Jealousy, Jeyne actually gets something of a role, M/M, Mutilation, Robb survives the Red Wedding, Sexual Abuse, Survival, Trauma, Violence, facing mistakes, going to the free cities, hurt/eventually comfort, non-consensual Ramsay/Theon, post RW, reek - Freeform, semi-established past Theon/Robb, the king who lost the north
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:38:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/1000lux, https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/akio4000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story came to me, when I thought about, how Theon would be coping with the happenings of season 3, how it would continue. And what if Robb survived but didn't save Theon. If those two met again on eyelevel.<br/>I didn't want broken, haunted Theon, I wanted angry, resentful Theon. And I didn't want forgiving Robb either. Theon's plenty haunted as it is, but he's dealing with it. And Robb has to deal with having completely lost control of his surroundings.<br/>I wanted a story where Robb isn't the savior and Theon's not the victim, not exclusively.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm not a virgin but I'm not the whore you think

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither rights to the TV series nor to the books.
> 
> This story is a lot darker than what I write usually. There's going to be a lot bad shit in the first chapter.  
> The storyline continues more or less after the ending of season 3. With a "little" twist. Robb survives the Red Wedding and is taken to the Dreadfort by Roose Bolton, where he's held captive.  
> Everything that happened to Theon is compliant with the third season
> 
> Story title is from the song "Start the machine" from _Angels & Airwaves_. Chapter title is from Shakira's "The costum makes the clown".

 

Trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between  
Between my pride and my promise,  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

Trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed

(Linkin Park - In Between)

 

****

He experienced the travel in a haze of fever. He wonders how they even got him there alive. He only remembers horses and laughing soldiers faces upside  
down, tauting him.  
His first lucid memory is when he wakes up in the dungeon, shackled to the wall. He must have been unconscious for several weeks, for his crossbow bolt  
wounds are healed.

A man enters the cell. Well, not really a man. The guy is his age or even younger. He is followed by a hunched figure in rags. The guy ignores him but  
talks to the hunched figure.  
"Now look, as I told you. Here he is." He points towards him. "Look good, my Reek."  
Empty green eyes look at him without comprehension, from under grey bangs.  
"Who is this, Master?"  
It's like a bad joke or some sort of nightmare. The person he sees can't be there. And frankly, he looks like he's not really there anyway.  
"You must surely remember." His jailor, as he assumes now, makes an elaborate gesture towards him. "Robb Stark. 'The King in the North'."  
"I'm sorry, Master." The man, that looks grotesquely like Theon, is close to tears now. "I don't know who that is..."  
The man pats 'Reek's' head like that of a dog.  
"It's okay."

****

He doesn't know how long it is until someone comes again. It could have been days or only hours. There's no light in here. All Robb knows is that  
he's starving, when 'Reek' comes in next. This time without his Master.  
He doesn't talk, only looks at him from time to time, jumpy as if he'd run by the slightest noise. When he holds the jar of water to his face, Robb  
sees that he has only three fingers left on one hand.  
"Theon..." He tries, but he doesn't even get a flinch or a spark of recognition in his eyes. As if the word held no meaning at all.  
Theon feeds him a few bites of bread and then he's gone again.

****

"Sadly I can't play with you as I'd wish." His jailor whispers in his ear. "The things I could do to you...The ways I could change you..." He lets  
out a regretful sigh. "But you're my father's prisoner. So, until he returns, I'm not to touch you."  
So, this man must be Ramsay Bolton. At least he's got an idea where he is now.

****

Ramsay makes sure to show him, though, what he's missing out on, as he says. Robb steels his mind against it, telling himself over and over again that  
Theon killed his brothers and deserves this. He does! Think of Bran and Rickon! Who are dead, because of him.

Robb retches.

He doesn't deserve pity. He was his friend and he betrayed him.

"What, your Grace? Are we feeling a little sick? There I would have thought, you're used to the smell of blood from the battlefield. Or maybe the wedding."  
Ramsay laughs, merrily.  
"Drop fucking dead." Robb chokes out, tasting the bile already in his throat.  
Theon is just silent. Detached. As if he's not even in the same room as them. The only thing that he seems to register is the voice of his 'master'.

Really, it's hard to take satisfaction in the misery of someone so entirely broken. But it's the only thing he can take respite from in this hellhole.  
Justified anger is all he's got left. Thinking of the friend he once had under these layers of pain and degradation is the last thing he needs right  
now.

"Let me tell you something, Lord Stark. Something that should make our time here even more enjoyable. Remember about the horrible death of your two  
brothers? And my precious Reek's role in it? Oh, I see you do. Guess what, your brothers aren't dead at all. This complete failure managed to lose  
them and I had to come up with a plan to solve that very embarrassing situation. So we burned the boys of the peasant who helped your brothers escape.",  
Ramsay finishs, gaily. He might as well be saying, 'And they lived happily ever after.', "Oh, and about the torching of Winterfell," he grins, mischievously,  
"that was me too."

He made that up. He made that up, so he can't even try to enjoy what he does to Theon. His brothers might be alive! That's wonderful! Why would he tell  
him a lie that makes him feel better? Because it doesn't make him feel better right now. He wants to get his hopes up, to tell him later that they are  
dead after all. Wouldn't he have made up a more likely story than this, if he was trying to lie? What the fuck has really happened at Winterfell?!

****

It's been seven visits since he came back to consciousness. That's the time measurement he uses these days, or weeks. This time Theon is different.  
He's still jumpy, but there's a certain lucid alertness in his eyes. The way he eyes Robb this time is not scared and mindless, but calculating.  
Then it changes to disbelieving.  
"You still pity me, Stark. Can't bring yourself to enjoy this even a little?" He holds up his maimed hand.  
"Theon! You...You know me. You can remember me."  
"Of course I can." Theon answers, dismissively. "Don't tell him, or I'll just deny it and you'll only look as if you've lost your mind. Which, given  
what I've heard about your marriage and the whole Red Wedding incident, isn't that far from the truth."  
Robb is speechless and Theon doesn't give him the time to recuperate. Moments later, Robb is alone in the room again.

****

When he returns the next time, Robb is ready though.  
"What happened to you?"  
Theon looks taken aback by the question.  
"You should worry about yourself, Stark." Theon snorts. "You want to know what happened to me? The same that's  
going to happen to you once Roose Bolton returns, I reckon."

****

When that afternoon, Ramsay decides to cut him up again a little bit, to Robb's distraction, Theon isn't even there. His mind is still spinning in a circle  
around the one sentence Robb spoke to him that morning.  
'What happened to you?' That's what he wants to know? Of all things! 

He doesn't hear the wet, scratchy sound of the knife parting skin from flesh.

He's become so good at hiding his feelings. He didn't even react when Ramsay told him weeks earlier that Robb had died at the wedding. He didn't bat an  
eyelash. 'Was he a friend of yours, Master?', that's what he said. All big eyes and hunched shoulders.  
Theon has long ago given up the hope that his family will ransom him. He's long given up to fight back, when giving in costs him less skin most of the times.

Warm blood runs down his thigh. Soon it will be cold.

Theon is fully aware of his reality. He's aware of his actions, as he's aware of Ramsay's actions. And he can't say his own deeds hurt less. His mistakes as  
irreversible as Ramsay's modifications.

Theon smiles at Ramsay and says thank you. Ramsay's expression is almost fond, when he looks at him.

Just as aware as he is of what happened and what is happening, he's aware of what's going to happen. Theon knows he's a failure. His family has turned their  
backs on him, just as he turned his back on Robb. He deserves to die, probably even deserves what Ramsay's doing to him, alone for the deaths of the peasant's  
children. Theon knows all that.  
But he's not going to die. He probably knows it since the day, he woke up after he lost...not everything as he realized. He's already lost other attributes  
of his, which he'd considered defining. Friend. Prince. Son. Archer. And now...Man.  
He found out that giving up his name and his dignity weren't so hard from that. As long as he wasn't giving up one thing. Sanity. There's a mind working inside  
this very fragile exterior. A mind with the name 'Theon', a mind that is still a man.  
He's going to survive. The Dreadfort and Ramsay Snow. He's going to get out of here and he's going to be free again.

Ramsay has left and he's alone with Robb, again.

This is where the problem starts. Theon's had very few, very clearly defined rules about surviving. Now Robb is here. Redemption. A very nice concept. A  
very impractical one too. Fuck. If he wants to do Robb a favor, he probably should kill him before Roose Bolton arrives.

"Theon?..."

Shut up.

"Theon? Are you okay?"

What do I look like?

"Theon, say something!"

Affection. Love. These are some entirely different concepts. Much harder to dodge than redemption. Probably even more dangerous than the ones Robb's suffering  
from chronically. Pity. Trust. Honor. Mercy.

*

Robb doesn't even know why he's asking. It shouldn't matter if Theon's alright. As he told Roose Bolton, he wants his head, not his skin. But Robb doesn't have  
the stomach for torture. And since he's decided to believe that his brothers are still alive. And even if not, he can't watch his former best friend like this.  
Much less since he knows that Theon is indeed not oblivious to his surroundings.

Theon won't answer but Robb knows he's heard him. He sees Theon's eyebrow move, nearly infinitesimally, with the familiar twitch of irritation, known from  
better days.  
Robb is tired of waiting and decides to take his chances as they come.  
"Are my brothers alive?" He demands to know.  
The shock on Theon's face isn't half as well disguised as his irritation was. The look gives him all the answers he needed.  
Theon just stares at him a moment longer, his mouth formed in a big 'O'.  
"Yes."  
Truth. A simple answer. No why. No how. No apology. It pisses him off. And is yet so incredibly Theon.  
"That's not enough to forgive you," is what he says, though.  
"What use would I have for your forgiveness, Stark?"  
Yes, what indeed? Robb is no longer able to give anyone anything of consequence. He's the King who lost the North, just as Theon is the prince with no throne  
of salt and iron.

****

Robb isn't sure who Ramsay Bolton's trying to humiliate by this. Him or Theon?  
"Now, be a good boy, Reek."  
He can't believe it when Theon goes on his knees in front of him, without hesitation.

"What?" Ramsay looks over at him. "Didn't you like the show, Your Grace?" He wipes some of his come off Theon's chin. Then he walks over and smears  
it across Robb's face. 

Robb's short of retching now.

"I really don't know, what my father plans for you, keeping you intact." Ramsay shakes his head in regret. "It's not like he could ransom you to  
anyone. Your father is dead, after all." He goes pensive. "Maybe your mother would...Oh, no! She's dead too." His mouth turns into a wide grin.

****

"Why do you..." Robb stops there. He knows why Theon does it, anyone would now, if the wounds he's seen are any indication.  
"Why do I what?" Theon's voice is full of spite. "I'm doing exactly what you'll be doing sooner or later. Only you'll be probably sucking Roose  
Bolton's cock!"  
"Why do you feel, you've go the right to act as if you've been wronged?!" Robb is tired, his wrists hurt and he's had enough of this trip into the  
sheer endless pit of a human soul.  
"I've paid my dues."  
Oh, he can see that he has.  
"Not to me."  
They stare at each other. Robb can't believe that all that's been between them has been an act, just as elaborate as the act Theon's now playing for  
the younger Bolton. And when there might be forgiveness to be found inside his heart given what he knows now, he can't seem to care, when Theon chooses  
this exact moment to act like a little shit.

****

The cold seeps through his rags, stiffening his joints, making his scars ache. It's so cold, he'd rather be in Ramsay's bed. And what does that make  
him? Cold. Really cold.  
Robb was the fool for trusting him. It's not his fault. Blood is thicker than water. Only not than salt water it seems.  
His teeth clack together painfully, shivers rocking his body. Maybe he'll be dead tomorrow. His own laughter's waking the dogs. No, if he dies in the  
Dreadfort, he'll make damn sure Ramsay goes with him.

****

Ramsay finds always new ways to degrade Theon and in it Robb. Theon never falls out of his role. No matter that he might barely be able to look Robb  
in the face when they're alone, he manages to stay 'Reek' whenever Ramsay is around, keeping him oblivious.

If Robb thought what he'd seen had been beyond vile, it's nothing compared to what he sees when Ramsay fucks Theon right in front of him. His and  
Theon's eyes meet. Robb's are speechless with horror, while Theon's just look through him.

Like a doll on strings, his movements seem automatic, when he pulls his breeches up afterwards, his eyes liveless like glass marbles.

****

He sees it in Robb's eyes when he comes back the next time. He hates it, he hates it so much. It makes him want to kill Robb. It makes him want to claw  
at his own skin. Pity. The moment even your enemies can't bring themselves to enjoy your misery any longer. The moment you become nothing. You're not even  
worth to be hated any longer. It makes the shame, he thought he'd long left behind on his way, burn red and scorching on his skin again.  
It's time he sends his feelings for Robb, the last good feelings he still has hidden inside himself, to die too. Or they might really start to endanger his  
chances for flight.

*

"Theon..." Robb is grasping for words appropriate to such horrors. "I'm so.."  
"Don't you dare say you're sorry!" Theon snaps.  
"But...I.."  
"Mention it just once more and I will stop feeding you." His voice is devoid of everything. There's not even anger in it.

****

Theon doesn't talk to Robb the next times he comes to bring him food and water. He's busy fighting his own demons. He can't help Robb  
stomach his own horrors additionally.

"He said...he said he's got my sister!"  
The desperation in Robb's voice is so palpable, Theon almost wants to confirm his fears, just so he gets a taste of defeat himself  
for once.  
"Don't worry, it's not Arya. It's that Poole girl."

*

There's no compassion there in Theon. Robb wonders how much of the old Theon is left. How much about him was real in the first place?  
A friend? A lover? A traitor? What of all those was real? Was it possible for all of them to be true?

****

This has all gotten out of hand. Theon had been aware he'd chosen wrong when he'd first gotten to the Dreadfort. But since then so much had  
happened. Things that had changed him forever, inward as outwards. There was nothing to try and fix. Nothing Robb could give him. Nothing he  
could give back. All he could still feel were fear and hate. So he'd try to hate Robb, because he didn't fear him.

What had went wrong? Had it really been his family or had it only been his pride? Forever and always. Those words used to mean something.

****

"Why didn't you come back? Even without a fleet, you would have always had a place at my side."  
Accusing and yet so very sweet. Love. Acceptance. Always. All gone to shit. There's no more space to back away in this corner he's been driven  
into. Salt and iron doesn't break. It wounds you and then it burns.  
"I won't apologize!" Theon yells, tears short of breaking from his eyes. "All I wanted was my birthright! We were never friends! I was your  
hostage!"  
"You were my friend!"  
Robb doesn't take any of his shit. What point is he trying to make? Theon doesn't understand. It's been already proven plenty that Robb is the  
better person. It's so commonplace, it's so cheesy. And no one would doubt one of Robb's words. He probably even believes it himself.  
"Ned Stark had many friends in his days. None of them stood up when he was beheaded. Would you have stood up, if you're father would have  
had to take my head?"  
"Of course!"  
"'Of course'. Of course."  
Theon feels ready to throw up. Everything seems so petty and meaningless. And so simple. He sees what he could have had and its not what he  
thought he wanted. Fucking Robb Stark.

****

He looks straight into Ramsay's dead, cold eyes, blending out the fact that Robb is seeing all this. He's seen it often enough by now.  
Ramsay likes to look him in the eyes when he does this. Theon thinks that he's getting off on this more than all the rest. The watching.  
He's giving Ramsay exactly what he wants. The right amount of fear, the right amount of obedience, the right amount of crazy. Shame is  
also one of his favourite emotions, Theon's past that, though, at least visibly. Ramsay's got Robb for that now. Robb's probably ashamed  
enough for the two of them.  
Theon watches the glee in Ramsay's eyes, the shark like grin, while he watches for every single emotion playing over his face, waiting for  
it like a kid in the candy store. Sometimes Ramsay likes it even more when Theon acts as if he's enjoying this. It thrills him to think that  
Theon's already that far gone. The ultimate, good, little dog.  
All the time Theon's thinking, "I won't be the one to leave this in pieces. I won't be the on to cave in. I will get out of here. No matter  
what. In the end it will be you who's begging."  
He'd taken so much from him, there's nothing more he could take. Theon had made it this far, he wouldn't stop now. No matter what fucking Ramsay  
or Robb Stark were trying to throw in his way, intentionally or not.

*

Ramsay moves away from him, fastening his trousers, "Damn, Reek, that was good." He turns over to Robb. "Isn't he a good little bitch? Come to  
think of it, did you have him too? He would never tell. Did you have him on his knees, sucking your cock? Did you fuck him, push right into  
him until he moaned like a whore? Not that he's getting much fun out of it these days."  
Robb tried to look away, the whole time. He owes it to Theon, not to watch this. What's been between them won't be sullied by this. He doesn't  
understand how Theon managed to survive this still sane.  
Ramsay speaks again.  
"Maybe, if you ask me nicely enough, I'll let you have him too. I can garantee that the parts of use to you are still intact." Ramsay leans back  
against the wall, laughing at Robb's horrified expression.  
"Actually, that's the idea, isn't it?" He turns around like he's really expecting approval from them. "Reek, go to our guest. He looks a little  
tense. I'm sure he could use some stress-relief."  
Robb just closes his eyes, when Theon kneels down in front of him.

****

"What he does to you is inexcusable. I would have never..."  
"Oh, you think he changed me that much? We're never more true to ourselves, than when we fight for survival, didn't you know?"  
Robb wants to punch the smirk, that's so completely wrong, from Theon's face. It shouldn't be there. And Robb doesn't know how  
to cope any longer. He can't deal with it. He wants to put his hands over his ears to not have to listen to Theon any longer,  
but his hands are still securely shackled to the wall. He feels like breaking. Even though, Ramsay didn't even touch him, a dry  
voice that sounds too much like Theon, tells him.

*

Theon just wants to crawl back where he came from, curling up and never acknowledging the world outside ever again. It's been too  
long. He wants to sleep. Just sleep. He can't deal with Robb now. He might never again. He wants to be little again, being able to  
run to his mother and everything bad will disappear. Back when mistakes weren't irrefutable.  
But his mask doesn't break. He will drag this ruin of a body out of this room without loosing what little dignity he has left.

*

"I'm trying to be sympathetic, you little prick! But just go ahead act like all this doesn't hurt you! Just wallow in your self-pity!"  
"You mean like you?" The sneer seems to form by sheer willpower.  
"I know why I'm here!" Robb yells at him, with the abandon of bone-deep, beyond physical exhaustion. "I made mistakes that took me  
to this place! One of them was trusting you!"  
Theon whips back, as if slapped.  
"Do you know why you're here?!" Robb continues, unfazed. "You were afraid of being a failure? Of disappointing your father? Look at  
you now! What other than a failure are you?! Not even your own father wanted to have you back!"  
"You're absolutely right."  
Robb's anger, sparked by this utter physical and mental state of emergency, leaves him at a speed, it feels almost like vertigo, when he  
hears those words.  
"I'm sorry."  
"No, you are right. We are both failures. With a lot of shitty decisions. Only you caused more deaths. I'm just glad I didn't cause  
your death."  
Even if Theon gave him time to reply, Robb wouldn't know what. But Theon doesn't give him respite. Having said his piece, he turns  
around and leaves the room.

****

Theon curls up on the dirty ground. Cruel. He never expected Robb to be cruel. So even he can be pushed to his limits. What does he  
want from Robb? Absolution? Punishment? Forgiveness? All of them? Love. If that's what you wanted, you pathetic shithead you shouldn't  
have left in the first place. You had it. You had it. You had it.

****

Robb struggles against the boundaries of his shackles, frantically, hopelessly. His head jerks around trying to find the source of  
the noise, breaking the dead silence of his cell. He knows him by his walk soon. It's changed, but not enough for Robb not being able  
to distinguish it any longer.  
Theon somehow arranges his limbs on the ground close to Robb. He can't see him in the darkness, but he can feel the heat radiating of  
his skin. He can hear him breathing, short and shallow.  
They just sit there in silence. Robb can't guess what he came here for. And he has nothing to say himself.  
"I want the old days back." Theon chokes out into the lightless darkness of the cell, that hides the fact that it's night outside too.  
"Me too."  
Robb would find it in his heart to forgive now, but he can't bring himself to say the words.

****

"We're leaving."  
Robb doesn't process the words until he feels the shackles fall from his wrists.

 


	2. I'm leaving with nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They escape the Dreadfort. But Theon once already thought he'd escaped.
> 
> They're trying to get away as far and fast as possible and they are trying to get anywhere, anywhere at all with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, finally a new chapter. After I've been very unsatisfied with this chapter for a very long time, I've flunked my drivers-license test yesterday for the second time, but managed to finish the chapter to my liking.
> 
> The chapter title is loosely based on the lyrics of Rebecca Ferguson's song 'All That I've Got'.
> 
> I want to thank all of you again for leaving comments and kudos! They made me giddy with joy! (*´∀`*)
> 
> Leave more, if you please. If you don't please, leave them anyway. (*⌒.－)＝★

 

"We need to get Jeyne."  
"We can't take her with us." Theon answers, before he catches the look on Robb's face. "If I'd known it'd come to that, I'd left  
you behind," he tells him, but turns back anyway.

****

Theon moves through the twists and turns of the castle with the ease of habit, looking more like a ghost in his rags. He produces the  
key to Jeyne's room seemingly out of nowhere. Then he's off again leaving them behind.  
Robb can feel the blood pounding through his veins. He can't believe they haven't been found out yet. Theon is back. Thank god.  
The blade of a knife presses into his side, as Theon moves up on him.

"We should be armed." Theon's smile is dark, as the knife moves from Robb's side into his hand. He hands another one to Jeyne. Before  
Robb can ask how he got the weapons, they're moving again.

****

They make it out the castle with relative ease. So much ease that Robb wonders if it's a bad sign. Could Theon have set this up?  
Really? Well, Theon hasn't really excelled in the field of trust.

****

They're running against time, literally. They all know that. Everyone of them treading sunrise, when their absence will be noted latest.  
None of them is in the condition for physical extortion. But they move with the desperation that comes with the lack of alternative.

****

They make their way through bushes and trees, trying to get as far away from the Dreadfort as possible. Maybe they'll make it to  
the Wall, but it's more likely that Ramsay will catch them again. Theon knows that much. It was stupid to take Robb with him. It  
was madness to take Jeyne.  
He's probably lost his only chance. He hates Robb for it, even though he knows he has no one to blame but himself, as always.

****

Robb sees Jeyne stumble. Before he's moved, Theon's already at her side, steading her.  
"I swear to you, if you as much as sprain your fucking ankle, I'll leave you here." His hand stays under her elbow as they walk on.

****

The sun goes up, tinging the stretching plane they're trying to cross in shades of pink and purple. They need to get to the woods if  
they want to have any chance at all. They can already see the treetops on the horizon, but they look as far away as the stars.

****

At the moment it's just make do. Action after action. No need or use for Theon to think. But at one point they'll have to stop. And  
then he'll have to think about Robb again. The Robb-matter. Getting rid of him. Keeping him alive. Knowing that he doesn't trust him.  
But right now, there's nothing but the pain of his blistered feet and the jerk that goes through him, whenever he imagines the shadow  
of a soldier in the bushes or the bark of a dog in the distance.

****

There's rustling behind the bushes. Then the creature emerges, brown fur covering the body, charging right for Theon. Not a dog! A boar.  
Relief washes over Theon, keeping him from dealing with the quite real danger to his life. Robb is at his side, within seconds, the stick  
he gave Jeyne for walking, in hand. The boar howls once more, before it goes down, the tip of the stick buried in it's eye.  
Theon lets out a deep breath at the same time as Robb. He looks up at Robb, when his pride gets the better of him once more.  
"Quite the proper hero, aren't you?"

*

Robb doesn't feel like it. All he can think about is, that not too long ago, he thought himself just that. He thought that he could save  
everyone. He'd even planned to save Theon from the Dreadfort, ever since Bolton showed him that piece of skin. Much help he'd been, when  
he'd arrived there. Even now his mind is still trying to catch up with all of it, still thinking of himself as a king.  
"I take it as a compliment coming from the Prince of Winterfell." Yes, he can be mean too, despite what especially his enemies seemed to  
think at times.

*

Theon doesn't respond, doesn't show any sign those words might have a special meaning for him. They're all on edge, tension is running high.  
It's not Robb's fault, that they're almost constantly at war with each other. It felt like it had gotten better in the Dreadfort. But whatever  
comfort they'd taken in each other in the dark hopelessness, the moment they breathed in the fresh night air, it was gone. They were all bite  
and no bark, now. And they took every single chance they got, to bite.

****

Their first night out. Not really they're first, as they fled at night. But the first sunset since they're escape. Dusk is settling over  
the treetops.  
Theon takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of pine needles and wood. They made it to the woods, they really did. Theon never expected  
to make it this far. He hadn't planned to just give up, if they were caught, he's made other plans, nevertheless it feels surreal to actual  
reach a destination he's only thought about theoretically until now.  
"We'll make it." Robb states solemnly beside him.  
"Of course we will." He takes one more look at the last rays of sun. "Let's go."

****

The night is cold as fuck.  
"We can't make a fire!" Theon reprimands Robb, before he's even hinted with any motion that he could be thinking about making a fire.  
"I know that!" Robb hisses back, on edge himself, skin too thin for petty fights like this.  
Despite their growing resentment and simmering anger, they huddle together as close as possible. Maybe they'll freeze anyway. At least  
he won't have to listen to Theon's constant nagging any longer.

*

They should already have gotten further. Theon huffs and sees his breath turning to mist. Damn cold. Dividing his anger evenly on Jeyne  
and Robb hasn't made it recede in any form. It's starting to get a little worrying. His constant need to crush something or hurt someone.  
He can't stop it. He tries to be reasonable, this isn't making it better for any of them. But every word out of Robb's mouth, every glance  
feels like a veiled insult. And if he returns as good as he gets, Robb looks at him with either hurt or righteous anger.  
Shit. He shuffles closer to Robb. The point of leaving him behind, has long passed. So, he'll just have to get both of these fuckers out  
of this alive.

****

Out here Theon feels the grime and dirt on his skin even worse. Skin and cloth seemingly one undistinguishable layer. So, he doesn't  
complain overly when Jeyne asks to stop at the stream. Maybe they'll even make it harder for the dogs that way. Otherwise they'll  
probably only have to follow the stench.

When Theon looks at his freshest wounds, barely scaled over, he thinks, that at least he doesn't have to worry about blood poisoning. If  
he didn't get it down at the Dreadfort, he won't get it out here either. The thought actually makes him smile. Yes, he's come quite a way.  
Survived. Even if Ramsay catches them now, the bath alone would have been fucking worth it.  
Tried blood and dirt mingle to a dirty trail in the water, carried down the bed of the stream. When the water turns clear again, Theon  
watches his reflection. He was once considered good-looking. He guesses he might be again one day, if not for the hair. The real damage  
is not on his face. The real damage could be hidden by clothes. But what's the point, when Theon knows what's there and what isn't.

*

Robb still has enough decency left not to bath in front of Jeyne, so he follows Theon to the secluded part of the river he'd been  
heading. Finally, a bath. The idea alone seems too good to be true. He's not sure how long it's been but definitely too long.

He hasn't even been able to utter a word of greeting, when he realizes what a bad idea it was. Theon flinches violently, when he sees him.  
And Robb's mind is caught between turning around and apologizing, so he just stands there paused mid-motion. So does Theon. But only at  
first, then he gets out of the water, spreading his arms, turning around to face Robb.  
"What? You didn't catch a good enough look at the Dreadfort? Go ahead look as much as you want."  
There's that kind of anger and hurt in his voice that shows exactly that he's not not caring. Robb would like to say something, but as so  
often these days, he doesn't know what. These days it's just too easy to snap back instead of trying for something comforting that's going  
to be rejected anyway.

****

The sky goes dark prematurely, grey clouding the sun, before the sky breaks open. The rain washes the newly settled dust off their bodies,  
falling to the soft ground of the woods with a monotonous, lulling sound. Theon holds his face up in the sky, eyes open wide, watching each  
droplet fall before it hits his face.

*

Robb watches as Theon shifts his face looking back at him. Rain runs down his face, like countless streams of tears. Robb feels grateful  
enough to cry for real. The rain is a gift by the gods. It will wash away whatever tracks they left behind. They're chances of escape just  
moved from very unlikely to possible.

****

He's become aware to a few things. It happens when you're on so close space for so long. Robb chuckles. Theon still falls asleep with the  
precision of a clockwork, seemingly sleeping the sleep of the just. And Jeyne is snoring pretty loudly.  
One thing changed though, Theon used to roll around wildly in his sleep, sometimes kicking Robb out of bed, the few times they'd actually  
spent the night in one. Now he lies exactly in the spot he lay down, curled up, unmoving. Like a dog asigned a spot, Robb thinks and  
shudders.

****

Theon tries to keep the pile of firewood balanced in his arms, precariously steadying it with one mangled hand. In times like this  
he thinks he misses his fingers quite more sorely than other parts of his body.  
They still can't make a fire, but at least they can roast their food on simmering coals. That alone would be a treat right now. Robb  
reaches into Theon's space, without warning or asking.  
"Come on, give it!" He says unnerved, when Theon jerks the wood out of Robb's reach, as if by reflex.  
"I've got it! I'm not a fucking cripple!"  
"Whatever, if it makes you feel useful," Robb retorts, "just drop the only dry wood we've found."  
"Oh, you mean like this?!" Theon drops the wood at Robb's feet, with vigor. He knows he's basically cutting his nose to spite  
his face, but right now that's irrelevant.

*

Robb could say, I know why you act the way you do and it doesn't have to be that way. But instead he says,  
"Geez, Don't feel so godsbedamned sorry for yourself all the time," before turning around to Jeyne, leaving Theon to his  
own devices.

*

Theon already feels an acid reply on his tongue, only Robb's right. In this petty argument as much as in everything else. Because he is  
feeling sorry for himself. Deep down he still thinks he didn't deserve this, when none of what has happened would have if it hadn't been  
for his own decisions. Not just the first, fatal step. No. He was also the one who trusted Ramsay. He was the one who followed him like  
a damn fool. Did he really think someone would risk his own safety for him? Maybe Robb would have back then. But besides that, Theon is  
all alone in this world. Glory, respect, love. He was the one who'd rather take Winterfell than some fisher-villages.  
Jeyne and Robb don't even look his way, seemingly content on their own. Fine. Theon could have done without either of them out here. He  
didn't ask for Robb caring about him. He didn't ask for Robb becoming the only one who counted to him. He didn't ask Robb to think that  
he's in love with him. He didn't ask Robb to trust him, when everyone told him not to.

*

Robb doesn't even look in Theon's direction for the rest of the evening, even though they're stuck altogether in the same place. Traveling's  
done for the day. They had fights before, back when things still turned for the better. Robb had been unjustly towards Theon too. Not just  
the issue with Bran in the woods. Once in a fight he actually reminded Theon of the fact that he was just a hostage. He hadn't known the  
impact of it. You try to hurt the other in a fight. That's the point, right? You mean none of it.  
What's the point of dwelling on Theon's transgressions any longer? He's not going to be the judge of him anyway. And Theon's already served  
his sentence, with neither trial nor justice.

What if, what felt like no chance at all, is actually a second chance for them? But what if it's not?

Yes, Theon's been through horrible things, but does that really change him for the better? Does it make up for the things he's done before  
that. Shouldn't he be judged by the state he was in when he made those decisions? Back then, when he betrayed him. Just like that. Only  
was it just like that? They talked it over at the Dreadfort often enough. And neither has the need to go over it again.  
He trusted Theon too much and Theon didn't trust him enough. It's sad and pathetic. And Robb would so badly like for it to be different.  
But then again, he'd like his mother and father to be alive too.

And now? Now?

What is he supposed to make of it all? Robb doesn't know. How are he and Theon supposed to get back on known ground with each other? A  
fresh start? Theon's saved his life after all and he knows his brothers aren't dead. But trust doesn't come back that easily. He feels  
pity for Theon and gratefulness and anger. So much anger. And he's shocked by the amount of resentment for him that he sees in Theon's  
eyes. He feels he's done nothing to deserve it. He after all thought they were friends, more than that.

The scars on Theon's body are more than he deserved and yet not enough. His wife might have been in on the scheming behind the Red Wedding  
and he hasn't spent a thought on it, while Theon's betrayal still nags on him. He should be way past Theon and yet he's all he can think about.  
Anger. Frustration. Hope. Wrong. Right. Over. What does forever and always mean if not that it wouldn't end. Robb had made an oath too back then.

And they might be dead any moment.

Does it even matter now? Should they procrastinate this matter until they know if they'll survive? Or is it even more important to solve this  
now, while they still can?

****

The sun is low on the horizon. In this light, the grey in Theon's hair is almost imperceptible. The rays of sunlight are hurting Robb's  
eyes, but he can't stop looking, because maybe it gives him a little hope.  
"Run!"  
Theon has already grabbed his wrist pulling him off, before he even hears the dogs. Robb turns around to find Jeyne coming after them.  
He reaches out for her and she grabs his other hand. And they drag each other along, taking the last out of their strained muscles, feets  
ingoring stones cutting in their flesh, hearts pounding as hard against their ribs as their lungs burn screaming for more air.  
It's futile. They catch up with them. The five huge hounds circle them, saliva dripping from their chaps. Ramsay follows shortly  
accompanied by three of his men on horseback.  
Robb watches as Theon goes back into his hunched position, crouching on the floor, shaking like a leaf. Jeyne is sobbing frantically, her  
face smudged by her hands covering it, full of earth and dirt from the ground she's fallen on.  
One of the dogs sniffs hungrily at Robb's foot bleeding from an especially deep cut. Robb has to force himself to remain still. There's no  
noise, except for Jeyne's sobs and the random growls of the dogs. Then laughter cuts through the silence. Hearty and content. At the end it  
almost turns into a cackle.  
"Did you think you could escape?" Ramsay laughs again, like it's really unbelievably funny. He says it to no one in particular, even so Theon  
answers.  
"N..no, Master. I just made them think they could, so you could hunt them." Theon says in a small voice, his eyes big and scared.  
Ramsay gets of his horse now. Robb feels his stomach clench. There's nothing he can do. Nothing he can do.  
"Of course you did, my Reek." Ramsay pats Theon's head. "That doesn't go for the rest of you, though." He beckons his men to get off their  
horses. "My father wanted you unharmed, Lord Stark. But words are pliant, don't you think? So is skin."  
Robb hears the blood rushing in his ears. He's not going to faint now. He tries to cling to the thought, that at least Theon managed to  
escape worse torture. Ramsay sees his fear and he relishes in it, walking towards Robb with a bright, toothy smile, licking his lips as  
if he's about to have dessert.  
"Kyra! Nora! Beth! Lysa! Mel!"  
The dogs are alerted immediately, only just waiting, poised, on edge.  
It takes Robb some time to realize that it's Theon who's speaking.  
"Attack!"  
The smile is still plastered on Ramsay's face when the Hounds charge for him, his hand still wavering in the air as if he was about to  
point out the details of his new plans for them.  
The first dog throws him to the ground with it's drive. His men draw their swords, first to help their Lord, then to protect themselves.  
The dogs want their blood now, though. And they'll stop at nothing.

Two dead hounds. Three dead soldiers. What remains of Ramsay is hard to recognize.  
"F...Fu...Fuck!" Robb sinks into the grass beside Theon. It's hard to process that they are still alive. Robb feels like his body hasn't  
yet caught up with reality. For a moment it's just black dots dancing in front of his eyes to the sound of Jeyne's trying to muffle her  
wails mixed with hick-ups and Theon's breathing. Blindly, Robb reaches out till his hand closes around Theon's. Cold and dry, where his  
is hot and clammy. They sit there some time longer. He can feel the mudd seep through his breeches, while the shadows of the trees become  
longer. Or maybe it's just his imagination.  
Theon looks like a ragdoll, sitting motionless in the same spot. It startles Robb, when he suddenly gets up and stumbles over to Ramsay's  
corpse. He sinks to his knees beside him. Then he leans closer and puts his hand where Ramsay's face used to be, deep inside the mangled flesh.  
When he retrieves his hand it is covered in blood. He looks at it, deep, scrutinizingly. For a moment Robb thinks he's going to lick at the  
blood. Then he wipes his hand on the grass and the moment is gone. He gets up and returns to them.  
"We have to leave. There could be more." he adresses Robb finally, absentmindedly petting one of the dogs.  
"Wha...What just happened here?!" is what Robb answers.  
"I slept with those dogs. Every night. In the same kennel. I shared their food. I shared their beatings."  
"Why didn't we take the dogs in the first place?"  
Theon pauses.  
"It didn't even occur to me." Theon looks shocked by this realization.

*

It says a lot about the state he's in. The whole sad truth about how much he'd become Ramsay's property that he couldn't even think about turning  
his own weapons against him until it was almost too late. He always thought he was defying Ramsay with every part of his mind and body but Ramsay  
ate away at him in the end after all. Claiming him, marking him with the deepest black out of his soul.  
Theon is caught in dark thoughts until Jeyne walks up to them, taking both their hands into hers. Her grip is warm, grateful and affirming, and  
Theon returns it, with to his surprise equal gratitude.

*

They don't immediately walk off, shock sits too deep. They just stand there and look at what Robb thinks might be his worst battle, while the dogs  
lap up the blood of the fallen. Ramsay is dead. Just like that their darkest nightmare is gone.  
And then Jeyne does, what Robb is thinking, what he is feeling, what he would like to do, but is still unable to.  
Jeyne throws her arms around Theon's neck.  
"ThankyouThankyouThankyou," she repeats again and again, against his chest.  
And to Robb's utter astonishment Theon starts crying, burying his face in Jeyne's hair, as his sobs shake them both.

****

The sun has went down. They have to cover as much ground as possible as long as they have this advantage. Ramsay might not have been  
well loved, neither by his men nor by his father, but it is doubtful that even so his men would dare to face Bolton, without having found  
the culprits who've killed his only remaining son.  
So they keep running. Though only figuratively. Each of them is far past the point of being able to run.  
Theon's slowly losing consciousness, awareness of his surroundings drifting away bit by bit. His legs are only moving mechanically,  
without any real power of will behind it. But that's how he's been moving all the past months hasn't it?

****

They stop first when Jeyne isn't able to go any further. Robb is grateful for the chance to rest too. Theon's regained his composure  
quickly, but nevertheless he's been looking almost transluctant for most of their journey. Robb can guess why, and he's only known Ramsay  
for a short time. Though, even that was too long.  
The dogs, who to Robb's utter unease, followed them, settle around Theon.

****

Now, that they rest, sleep won't come. Even while he lies there slack like a corpse, his mind is wide awake, trying to work out the  
happenings of the day. It was a lot better than it could have gone and yet less satisfying than imagined. Now that the first waves of  
sheer, bone-deep gratitude to still be alive, have passed, he knows what the problem is. It was over too soon. Period.  
Ramsay didn't even get the chance to beg. And now he's dead and won't come back. Not that Ramsay coming back from the dead is something  
even remotely around something Theon would wish for.  
Theon tries to recall Ramsay's mangled body in his mind. Yes, motherfucker! You're dead and I'm alive. You didn't break me half as much  
as you thought (though not even half as little as Theon has been telling himself either). Broken maybe, but he's gotten away in more or  
less one piece. The unintended pun makes him actually laugh. Theon is surprised himself. Now look, who's had the last laugh, Ramsay!  
Yes, laughing is another thing you didn't take from me. And I will laugh again. I will smile and laugh with all my heart. I will tell  
tasteless jokes and smile all across my face!  
Theon snuggles closer to one of the dogs. She licks him across the face.  
"We're going to be fine, Mel."  
Sleep finds him now.

****

Theon wakes up to a new morning. A Ramsay free morning. Forever free of him. He curls into Mel and sheds a few tears into her fur.  
Jeyne is already up. She must have had the last watch shift. They smile at each other. No words needed.  
Theon walks towards the still sleeping form of Robb and feels the itch to wake him with a kick, like they used to wake the one that  
overslept when they were kids. But when he looks at Robb he thinks that he could use the sleep. He goes back to Jeyne without making  
a sound, leaving on of the dogs with Robb, for warmth.

*

When Robb wakes, he thinks for a moment that Greywind is with him. He snuggles closer into his fur, feeling more content than he has  
in a long time. When he opens his eyes, he is confronted by the dull brown fur of one of Ramsay's hounds. Though technically they're  
not Ramsay's any longer. Robb moves away quickly, automatically reaching for his sword. Theon can tell him whatever he wants about  
cuddely furballs that just want to play, he's seen what these bitches can do.  
"Theon! Keep an eye on your fucking dogs!" He yells over to him, disgruntled by this kind of wakeup.  
"The great Robb Stark, Lord of Winterfell, King in the North, scared of a dog? That's really sad. Maybe we can change your house banner.  
What animal do you feel comfortable with? A bunny?"  
It could turn ugly at this point. If they've proven one thing, then that no life-threatening situation keeps them from holding petty grudges.  
But not right now. Robb's not willing to fight today. Tomorrow, yes. Tomorrow they can go back to jumping at every provocation. Today Robb  
is content with knowing that he is alive, that Theon is alive and Jeyne. And maybe he can make Theon laugh, even a little.  
"Real funny! If they try to eat you, which they will one day, I'll just watch!"  
"They'll eat you first!" Theon shoots back. And yeah, the bite is gone from his voice.

****

Their arms and faces are scratched by thorns scraping along skin, bared under flimsy prisoner's robes. They're hungry and exhausted,  
despite Theon having packed both food and blankets.  
Once euphoria recedes, you realise that you're still out in nowhere and got still nothing to eat. And then things are quickly back to  
usual. Words are uttered more careless again, imagined or intended hurts are felt more clearly.  
Theon is quick-tongued to mask any insecurity he feels, unable to face mistakes of his own, while Robb still feels like it's his right and  
his right alone to get angry.  
Jeyne looks at the two and is at a loss. She doesn't know if Sansa's tales of how they used to be more than friends are true, but it would  
certainly explain the depth of the injury Robb's feeling. He wants to forgive, she can tell, but at the same time he can't stop to punish  
Theon with acid reminders of his transgressions at the wrong time. Neither can trust the other, knowing that he might turn any sign of  
weakness against him. She doesn't know if it's pride that makes Theon reject any try from Robb to get closer, or if he's just that ruined  
inside that he's unable to accept any relationship at all, any tentative emotional bond Robb is trying to spin. She hopes it's the first  
because the second would just be too sad. But if someone can begin to understand how Theon feels, it's probably her.  
They all deserve happiness, every single one of them, her included. She still hopes that someday she can find what she and Sansa dreamed  
about as little girls. A husband she loves. Being a mother. Even if right now the thought of a man as much as touching her makes her heave.  
One day. One day. All they have to do is get out of this forest first.

****

"What direction are we even going?!" Robb feels tired and itchy where the thorns scratched his skin.  
"To the river."  
"Are we going to discuss this?"  
"We've been on the run for the last three days, since our little encounter with Ramsay, and you haven't bothered to ask before, so I see no  
reason to involve you in the decision making now."  
Theon keeps walking the dogs at his side. He seems to be far more comfortable around them than around his human comrades. Which is creepy  
enough, from Robb's point of view, given what he knows they are capable of.  
Robb could just give in and let Theon start a new fight. But he's feeling a lot more leniant since Theon's saved them. Sure Theon's priority  
had probably been to save his own skin...bad choice of words. Robb shudders. Then he looks up, seeing Theon walk ahead of them, looking every  
step as aloof as he used to when he'd walk across the courtyard as a child, showing everyone that he doesn't give a shit. Robb has to smile. He's  
no longer a king, he's no longer anyone of importance. No one cares what he does. He might as well salvage as much of their friendship as he  
can. He speeds up his steps despite weariness until he's reaches Theon.  
"Should we die before we reach the coast, I just wanted you to know that I'm glad we met again."  
"Yeah, I can imagine you wanted to meet again after Winterfell." Theon drawls.  
"You know exactly what I mean, Theon Greyjoy. I'm glad we won't part from this world as enemies."  
"Well, we ain't dead yet."

****

"Fuck this! I'm making a fire now!" Robb states resolutely, despite chattering teeth, "They haven't found us yet and I doubt many of Ramsay's  
men are really bound to find us."  
Robb decides to take Theon's reaction as a shrug of indifference and not a shiver of cold, though the latter would have been consent enough too.  
To Robb's chagrin, his own hands are shivering so much, he is closer to dropping the firestone, than actually lighting something with it. He  
looks up, waiting for some dismissive remark from Theon, but sees something looking like genuine amusement.  
"Don't look at me." Theon holds up his hands, "I can't do it," then adds with a smirk, "I might drop something."  
Eventually Jeyne makes the fire, while Robb and Theon go back to just being cold.

****

It's slow, tentative and fragile like a butterfly's wing, but Robb feels like they're getting somewhere, like they're trying to pull their punches  
sometimes now, trying not to cause the greatest damage on each side.  
Robb knows it's not all Theon's fault. It feels like when one of them is willing to take step forward, the other has to slam the past right in his  
face and they're back where they began. But maybe things are changing for the better. It's too soon to tell yet, but Robb has a good feeling.

****

"When we come to the river, we'll part ways." Theon tells Robb, matter-of-factly one morning.  
"Where are you going to?" Robb asks, bewildered.  
"I don't know."  
"Why not go together then?"  
"The sooner we part, the better."  
Robb throws Jeyne a help-seeking look, she just shrugs, her eyes indicating that he should just give up.  
"Where do you plan to go on your own, Theon?! What the fuck do you intend to do on your own?"  
"I'll get by."  
"What about Jeyne?"  
Theon rolls his eyes.  
"By the drowned god, Stark, I'm sure you'll take good care of her."

*

He can't stay with Robb. He just can't. He's barely able to face him every morning, just as Robb is barely able to look at him. He knows that when  
Robb looks at him he sees the man who betrayed him and burned Winterfell. At least he hopes that's what he sees, because when Theon looks at Robb  
he sees in his mind what Robb saw at the Dreadfort. He can't forget that way. He can't forget. And Theon wants to forget so fucking much.  
It would be a lie to say the worst was Robb seeing it, but it was the next worst thing.  
But he doesn't have to deal with it for much longer. They survived, he's made sure Robb will survive.  
Together Jeyne and Robb can pass as a married couple, travelling the lands unnoticed. What would they look like with him in tow? And he  
would get along. Theon couldn't imagine that there could still be something left he wouldn't do to survive. Probably the best preconditions  
for survival.  
He had a debt to pay to Robb and he's paid. He saved Robb, just as he betrayed him before, without warning or any sense of self-preservation.  
And now there's nothing connecting them any longer. Neither is Robb a king or Theon a hostage nor are they friends and most certainly not lovers.  
It's laughable to even think about it and doesn't speak for his state of mind.

****

The river is in sight. They made it after all. For a moment they all smile at each other uncontained, caught in the moment. Then they see the  
soldiers lining the riverside.

Even if Robb didn't have to learn all the house sigils as a child, he'd know this one, from all the times Theon drew it as a child.  
The squid of the House Greyjoy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please report mistakes back to me! (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ yes,sir♪


	3. Our hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon returns to Pyke, Robb and Jeyne and tow. He's returning to the kingdom that doesn't want him, to the father who left him for dead, the man who wants to see Robb dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a long time to write this, but well it always does. ^.^
> 
> This chapter concludes the first part of the Story. The next part is set across the Narrow See. And I can already reveal that Danaerys is going to appear and it. *__*
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments!!! You guys rock!!! When I uploaded the first chapter I was like, "I hope someone's going to read it…", And now it's one of my most successful fanfictions I've ever written!
> 
> The title of the chapter is from the lyrics of the song "starlight" by Muse.

There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes  
In a happy home, I was a king I had a gold throne  
Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall  
I hear the sounds from the places where I was born

(Swedish House Mafia - Don't you worry child)

****

Robb contemplates for a moment if this is the time for him to run away. He drops the thought soon, there's nowhere to run.  
"Father..." Theon whispers almost inaudibly beside him.

They get closer. Asha looks every inch the conqueror she is after she's taken most of Robb's former lands.

****

"I'm not taking him with us." Asha says, resolutely.  
Robb isn't believing his ears about what he hears next.  
"He saved my life, if it wasn't for him I would have never escaped from there."  
The siblings stare at each other. Slowly Asha's gaze softens.  
"Well, then..." she agrees, grudgingly.

****

"I owe you." Robb says.  
"You owe me shit." Is all Theon replies angrily.

****

They board the mastership of Asha's fleet and Robb becomes witness of a conversation between Theon and his sister.

"Before we leave. Do you know what happened to me at the Dreadfort?" He asks with the pent up fear of an animal ready to  
bolt any second.  
"We were informed." Asha says, the unsteadiness of her voice leaving no doubt that they are talking about the same thing.  
Any structure that's still supported Theon's frame, seems to leave it, as he slumps inwards even further.  
"I don't care," Asha adds.  
"Father." Is all Theon says. It isn't even a question. Even though Asha's silence is an answer.

****

They're on their way to Pyke and Robb isn't really sure what he's doing on this ship at all. It's not like anyone at the Iron  
Islands will be glad to see him, except to ransom him off, or kill him themselves. But it's still better than any other option right now.  
Because at least he's still alive and free so far, thanks to Theon. Theon, who's standing there at the railing, looking like  
he's all alone in the world. Theon. In pieces but still able to save them.

He doesn't go inside with the others for food in the evening, no one seems to notice. After a while Jeyne  
comes out holding out a bowl of stew. They stand side by side at the railing watching as the coast  
becomes smaller on the horizon, the woods that seemed impervious only a few days ago not even  
visible any longer.

****

When Robb walks past Theon's cabin at night, he hears him scream. Not scared, or in pain, but angry and desperate.  
Like life has betrayed him.  
And Robb knows exactly how he feels.  
How did he get here? He used to be a king. Now he's only a failure, a beggar.

****

He's going to live. That much seems to be clear by now. Theon thinks back  
about a year, when he still had a life, when he still had a future, when he still  
used to be someone. A hostage, maybe, but a hostage who would be a lord one  
day. But most of all he used to have a friend back then, he still thought he had a  
family back then. Asha came for him, true enough. If someone had walked up to  
him when he sailed for Pyke the first time, and had told him what would happen  
to him, if he boarded that ship, he would have laughed in his face.  
A real laugh, though tinged with acid, steals over his face.  
It's hard to say who fell harder, him or Robb. And there he is. As if prompted, he  
walks towards Theon, worried expression and puppy-eyes savely in place.

*

"Theon?"  
"What do you want?" The harsh edge to Theon's voice, that Robb heard first when he got to the Dreadfort is still there.  
"Talk?"  
"What could possibly be left to talk about, after the two weeks we spent in the woods?"  
"I don't know about you, but I was too busy running for my life, to make conversation."  
"What? Are we supposed to lick our wounds now?" Theon shrugs carelessly, "You trusted the wrong people and lost your mother and your kingdom. I did basically the same and lost significantly more."  
"I disagree on who's lost more."  
"Let's switch than, how about that?" Theon's smile is sardonic.  
"I would at the spot." Robb's face is deadpan, when he faces Theon.

****

Jeyne shows up, with that enigmatically hopeful smile of hers, she seems to have cultivated in the woods.  
Obviously she considers a little less bad as an incredible treat. He doesn't aknowledge her presence,  
maybe she'll leave again.  
She takes a seat beside him on the cot in his little cabin. They sit beside each other in what an innocent  
bystander could deem companiable silence. She puts her hand on his. Theon nearly jumps. he glares at her,  
angry about his own reaction. She doesn't retrieve her hand, but sighs.  
"You worry too much."  
"Oh yes?"  
"If you'd asked me three weeks ago, I'd have told you that we're both going to die at the Dreadfort. A week  
ago we nearly did die."  
"I never intended to die at the Dreadfort." He answers petulantly.  
She laughs at that. "Even better. What's going to ruin us now? They can try."

****

Home. What a joke. Theon looks at the vastness of the ocean, knowing that even though it looks endless,  
every moment is taking them inexorably closer to the place he dreads and is still eager to return to.  
He has a pretty clear concept of what awaits him there. It would be good if he could just return to Winterfell  
with Robb. He knows Robb would let him, probably ask him to, for whatever reason. But neither of them  
is going to return to Winterfell, probably forever.

****

Robb's there, God forbid, to talk again.  
"What's going to happen to me once we reach Pyke?"  
"If you hope for intervention on my side, let me remind you that I'm the son his father left to rot in the  
Dreadfort."

*

It's answer enough. Robb expected that much. But no, now he's being unfair. Theon's done enough for  
him these past weeks, more than enough to deserve trust again. And somewhere inside this  
roughed-up nearly to the bones, sharp around the edges Theon is still the friend, the lover he used to know.  
The one who's laugh was so bright it could make him forget anything. The one who stayed up all night to  
collect frogs, so he could pour them over Jon, just to make him laugh. The one who took shit from the  
Bannermen just to not make things any harder for Robb than they already were. The one who said 'Fuck  
him.' when Robb had asked what they'd do if his father found out about them.  
It hurts, physically, to look  
at Theon, to see the hurt, the turmoil raging inside him.

****

Theon takes one of his dogs outside to throw up at night. They've all gotten incredibly sea-sick.  
It's nice to know that someone's feeling shittier than him.  
Funny how fast they became 'his dogs'. He's recoiling pretty damn fast. It almost feels normal again to  
sleep in a bed. Is it regaining independence or is he just adaptable? Is keeping the dogs moving on or  
trying to hold onto the known? And all he's known for a long time is Ramsay. It's hard to look up again,  
when all you've known is the ground.  
Maybe it's not about moving on, or even Ramsay. Maybe he likes the dogs just because they're soft  
and warm and will kill anything that's trying to hurt him.

****

"Asha, what about Robb?"  
"That's father's decision once we reach Pyke."  
"No one has to know he's there." Theon persists.  
"About fifty of my men have seen him board." She quirks her eyebrow, indulging him anyway.  
"»Your« men." Theon puts emphasis on the first word.  
"You want me to defy our father, for the sake of a Stark boy?"  
Since they're still having this conversation, Theon realises, that somewhere under all that tough exterior,  
a caring, older sister has been hiding.  
"Yes." Theon doesn't know why to beat around the bush. He's too tired to come up with seemingly benefiting  
reasons for keeping Robb save, when they both know this is not for personal gain.  
"No."  
"Father will kill him or sell him to the Lannisters, who will kill him. We'll leave as soon as we find a passage.  
No one will ever know!"  
"Because your plans always work out so well?"  
"Propose a better plan, then!"  
She huffs, one hand combing through her hair, throwing him angry glances in between.  
"Three days! You have three days once we reach Pyke!" She declares, "After that I can still claim it was  
supposed to be a surprise." She adds in afterthought.  
"Thank you."  
"This has to be enough for me not finding you earlier."  
"You came at all." It's as close to 'I love you', 'You're family' as they'll get. The Iron Islands aren't a place  
for people with too many emotions.

****

Not long now. And they'll be back. Back were he started. Started to fuck things up, that is. He can only  
hope his father is too proud to have let anyone other than Asha know about what happened to him.  
He's nuturing two foolish hopes right now. One is that this time his return won't be completely horrible.  
The other is that his father might have had a sudden change of heart by now.  
Yeah, right. And next thing you know the dragons are returning.

****

They get off the ship at Pyke. Robb leaving disguised as Jeyne's handmaiden. Once again Theon  
arrives at Pyke. The circumstances seem to get worse with every time. What a prince he is. But hey,  
he should be content.  
He should be ecstatic, compared to what his life used to be a few weeks ago. A chortle escapes his  
mouth, surprising him himself.  
"What's to laugh?" Robb asks beside him.  
"Just thinking about what a pair we make. A fall as deep as ours would make Arryn green with envy."  
"I'm sure there was someone in the history of the Seven Kingdoms who had more bad luck than  
us." Robb delivers it so earnestly, Theon has to laugh for real this time, Robb chimes in shortly.

****

Theon. If Robb had had doubts...Well, he had but who can blame him. But Theon might not care  
about a lot of people, but he's once again proven that Robb belongs to the select few. Of course Theon  
would help. Of course he would protect him. No matter what people said, he chose right back then.

****

Theon walks through the hallways of his childhood. Entering the throne room, eyes following him where  
he goes. He wonders again how many know.  
Habit comes back faster than expected. His shoulders straighten, a smile splits his mouth. He's made  
a promise to Ramsay's corpse and he intends to keep it.  
Their father hasn't changed much, Theon assesses as they walk closer. Balon Greyjoy gets up, walking  
towards him and Asha.  
"Are you now content? Can we turn back to important matters?" He doesn't even look at Theon.  
"I'm here to take your orders, father." Asha answers.  
"If you'd taken my orders to begin with, we wouldn't have wasted so much time."  
Every word is like a punch in Theon's face. But he's been punched a few times too often. So he just  
starts humming a little tune in his head,and thinks about how lucky he is to still be alive, how much better  
this is.

****

The really sad thing is, that he has actually got good memories of his father. When he was still little.  
Things like getting his first wooden sword. Things like his father teaching him how to shoot. His father  
telling him that he's proud of him.

****

He doesn't even get his old room from the last time. Asha gives him and Robb one of her rooms. Theon's  
become officially superfluous now. If his father shows as much attention to Robb as he did to him, they're  
good.  
"How did it go?" Robb asks, when Theon enters.  
"As expected. I told him I captured you and they should be here any second now to pick you up."

*

"Let me guess, you told him just after he announced his engagement to Cersei?" Robb snorts. It's so  
typical of Theon to act like an asshole first and then help. Robb only waits for him to start gloating  
over having saved his ass. But that's probably not going to happen. Theon doesn't have much  
to laugh about these days. The sheer emotion of gloating seems as far away from them as the stars.

*

Theon chuckles himself. Even though his thoughts are still in the throne room. He doesn't know how  
lost he looks, but Robb suddenly makes a step forward, looking like it hurts him just to look a Theon,  
trying for an awkward hug.  
Theon moves out of his reach with sudden panic, that turns to anger over Robb's stupidity, to helpless  
rage over his own reaction.  
"Sorry." Robb says softly.  
"Just leave." Yeah, leave, so I can be alone in my misery.  
He watches Robb leave the room, looking dejected and remorseful. As if it's his fault. Theon snorts. But  
god help him, he will keep this caring idiot save.

****

Theon knows it will amount to nothing, talking to his father never has. But he has to do it anyway.  
So he makes his way up to the tower, to find him, to get a word in private. Something. Anything.  
Maybe, maybe it will be different, now that they're alone. Who is he kidding?  
This is just going to hurt. But can it possibly hurt more than what Ramsay did to him?  
"Father?"  
Balon Greyjoy whips around, looking more like an old, hagard vulture.  
"You! What do you want?!"  
"I wanted to talk. I wanted to apologize for not following your orders..."  
Balon's harsh laughter stops his words.  
"Don't worry yourself, I hadn't put much stock in your deeds in my name."  
"Father, I..."  
"Don't call me that! You're not my son anymore." Disgust and derision are clear in the curl of Balon  
Greyjoy's mouth. "You're not even a man any longer. You're sister should have left you where she  
found you. At least she got the Stark boy. Hah! Now, don't look so surprised! Did you think I wouldn't  
find out?! Are you going to beg me for mercy for him now?!"  
Theon feels the bile rise in his throat and something akin to panic. It's over. One last time he tries to  
recall some fond memory of his father from his childhood, one moment when he still thought his  
father loved him.  
"I am still your son." Theon's voice is soft, hardly there at all.  
"Look at you! You're a shame, nothing more."

Theon still stands there, long afterwards, staring into the abyss, along the ragged walls, down  
into the ocean. Long after Balon Greyjoy's body has hit the surface of the sea, long after his body  
is no longer visible, long after his screams are no longer there.  
His remaining fingers are stiff from the cold wind, when he loosens them from their iron grip around  
the railing.  
He walks down the eroded stone steps, leading down from the tower, walks past guards and ironborn  
nobles he recalls from his childhood. He walks past all of them without blinking.

****

Robb is surprised when Theon enters his room. He's been avoiding him for as much as he could,  
even when they were still on the ship.  
"I just killed my father." Theon says, sitting down in a chair by the table. He picks up a knife, playing  
with it.  
"Sorry?"  
"You heard me right, Stark."  
Theon doesn't even look at him, instead he's busy playing the Knife game. It's unnerving for Robb  
and he has to stop himself from ripping the knife from Theon's hands.  
"Call me Robb, for the sake of the gods," he sighs. Theon just killed his father. Robb is slowly losing  
focus of what is important.

Asha storms in that second.  
"Theon! Father found out!" She takes a look at Theon's face then. Whatever else she intended  
to say is left unspoken. She turns and leaves the room again, closing the door softly.

****

Robb doesn't attend Balon's funeral but watches from afar, as Asha and Theon stand in front of the  
other ironborn and Asha shoots the burning arrow, lighting the boat containing their father's body,  
which would have been Theon's job.

****

It all fell apart so beautifully even Ramsay couldn't have thought it up any better.  
Now he can also add patricide to the long list of his transgressions. But, well, his  
father deserved it. Theon was maybe a bad friend and an even worse leader, but  
at least he didn't abandon his own child. And now he'll never get the chance to.  
He never really dwelled on the thought of having children. It was just something  
that was going to happen sooner or later, just like marriage. Serves the old  
bastard right. If Asha isn't going to have children too, the old fucker's line is going  
to die with them. And maybe one day, someone with a little less salt water  
and a little more blood in their veins will rule in these halls.

****

Things are disturbingly close to normal soon enough. Everyone seems to fall back into their routine,  
nevermind their king died. But maybe that's just his perception, because to him most things are normal  
compared to what...well to the Dreadfort.

****

"What are you doing there?" Theon asks perplexed.  
"What does it look like?" Jeyne answers, lowering the sword in her hand, throwing him a  
challenging look, "Asha said I could."  
Theon doesn't have to ask, what she needs that particular skill for. It reminds him once more,  
that he'll never again be able to use a bow.  
Jeyne, unlike him, seems to be able to move on. And god knows, she's been through enough herself.

****

Where do you go from the point where trust is gone? Theon knows there is none for him. No matter  
how good or stupid Robb is. It isn't that easy.  
But Theon can't live on pity alone.  
He knows what he'd choose if he had the chance to. It is as selfish as it is delusional.  
But it's not like he's got a choice here. He always had a perchant for reaching too high in his  
ambitions. Ramsay taught him that lesson good. Winterfell taught him that lesson.

****

"I need to find Arya."  
"Are you stupid?! All by yourself? If I'd known you were looking to die, I'd left you at the Dreadfort."  
"You keep saying that a lot. And yet I can't remember a moment you actually acted on  
those words."  
"Yes, because I'm stupid. You might be able to best me in the fight for the crown of stupidity,  
but only just so."  
"You talk so much shit." Robb snorts. "But this time you might actually be right."  
Just a slight shift of his weight, a small move forward, only Robb's upper body moving and his  
lips are touching Theon's and yeah, he knows it's been a bad idea, only a moment later.  
Not that he's thought about it beforehand. He'd thought he'd seen the same longing he felt,  
mirrored in Theon's eyes, but given the past months, he should have known that it was too soon.  
He should probably be grateful that Theon didn't faint or have a nervous breakdown. But  
when the fist hits his jaw, he can't bring himself to muster gratitude.  
If he's expected Theon to explain his actions, he's in for a long wait, because Theon is looking  
at him, wide eyed outrage battling utter disbelief, seemingly waiting for the same from Robb.  
"I'm sorry, that was completely inappropriate." Robb manages to say, feeling embarrassed and  
like an asshole at the same time.  
"Yes, it was!" Theon gives him one of his 'What were you thinking?!'-looks. Robb could end this with  
no casualties on either side, but he just has to open his mouth again.  
"I should have asked you, before I..."  
"You what?!...What were you even thinking?!"  
"It felt like the thing to do."  
"Walking down memory lane, or what?" Theon asks with disgust.  
Robb is aware that they will get nowhere if neither of them is willing to make a commitment of  
sorts at some point.  
"I don't know about you, Theon, but given what was, all of it, I'm willing to make a fresh start."  
The shift of emotions on Theon's face is colorful. Incomprehension. Disbelief. Hope. Fear. Shame.  
Pain. Disgust. Anger. Blankness.  
"What do you want with me, Stark? Seriously, it's kinda sick, you know." Theon sneers at him.  
Robb sees now that he's made a crucial misjudgement. The problem is different, but probably even  
harder to fix. He doesn't even know how to address the issue with even the slightest chance of  
reaching Theon with it.

****

Robb probably means it. Theon is aware of that only shortly after the conversation. Because  
Robb always means everything he says. But Robb can't even comprehend what he's talking about.  
He thinks it could somehow miraclously become as it was. Which, Theon knows, it won't.  
That makes it so much worse. But it would be even worse to try it and fail inevitably.

****

Jeyne is there, training again in the yard all by herself, looking fierce and determined and  
somewhat free. He stops in front of her, she smiles at him, lowering her sword.  
He leans forward out of a moments feeling, wanting to know he still can, wanting some of that freedom,  
she radiates, too and kisses her. Just softly, nothing like he used to kiss. She pushes him away,  
gently, more gently than he deserves.  
"Can't I start fresh too?" He is close to tears now. "Can't I too?"  
"You can and you will, at your own time."  
Where she deems to take that knowledge from the drowned god alone knows. But he asked, didn't he?

****

He remembers Robb as he'd been. The way he'd seen him. It was always like looking straight  
into the sun. They had been so in love.  
Young, stupid and so in love. He had always wanted to take Robb to the Iron Islands one day.  
He hadn't expected it to be quite like this.  
Only now it occurs to him, how truly happy he had been at Winterfell.  
He isn't used to the cold here any longer. It is a different cold than Winterfell, a biting cold. He doesn't need this  
any longer, he doesn't need the cold. 

****

"Is this how it's going to be from now on?! Is this how you want to be?! You're just going to  
stay angry for the rest of your life?"  
"Yeah! Maybe I'm going to be! What else is there to be?! And don't tell me anymore turd  
about still being able to contribute my part."  
"We can try! We can be friends again, at least!" Robb is arguing for his sake as much as for  
Theon's.

*

Madness. What's between them is madness. Theon can see it clearly now. How, after everything  
that's happened? How can they still try to orbit towards each other, mindless gravity pulling  
them?  
"I love you!"  
Theon wonders if Robb knows how desperate his voice sounds. One last try to crudely reset the  
parts that have been so thoroughly broken.  
"No! No!" Theon doesn't know what exactly he's denying, prohibiting. He only knows that it's  
necessary.

****

"The last ones who've seen Arya Stark, say either that she was in company of the Hound on  
her way to the Red Wedding, or that he was taking her to King's Landing, or that he was taking  
her to the wall. And one especially peculiar story says, that she killed him and borded a ship  
to Bravoos." Asha informs them.

****

What does Theon want? Robb doesn't know any longer. He can only tell that he's hurting. Robb  
is hurting too. Nevertheless, Theon seems to be hurting so much more. If imagined or real,  
Robb doesn't know. It's not like having lost his mother doesn't hurt any longer. It's not like he  
doesn't see the dead at the Twins every night, any longer. But Robb is moving on, slowly as  
a man four times his age, but moving nevertheless.

*

"Theon! For fuck's sake, I don't care! You're not lacking in my eyes. You never could be."  
"That's easy to say."  
"If you'd let me, I'd proof it! And you fucking know I mean it!"  
"This is not about you, Robb." Lie. "You're just making it worse." Lie. "I'm trying to move  
on." Lie. "Please let me!" Don't.

****

For either of their sakes he should let go of him, but it is so hard to do so, and so convenient that  
Robb has no place to go either.  
He needs something else. He can't center his life around Robb alone. Isn't fair to him, isn't  
fair to Robb either. Robb belongs to the things he isn't any longer. He mustn't define himself  
by the things he hasn't, the things he isn't.

****

"I can't protect you for much longer, brother."  
Asha's voice is matter-of-fact as always. But she must love him, Theon knows that much now.  
She's done by far too much for it to be otherwise.  
She didn't ask a question when they fished their father's bloated body from the sea. She made  
up the completely ridiculous story about him having fallen from the bridge. She silenced any rumors  
of murder. But the people of the Iron Islands are hard to control. He's weakening his sister with  
every day he stays not in chains.  
"You've done more than enough."  
Theon gives her the first, almost as wry as it used to be, smile she's seen on him since forever.

****

It hurts. It hurts so much, to know that Theon is lost for him. That he's gone. Yes, he can see Theon  
is trying to put himself back together.  
Even though built-up walls might crumble down the next day, he gets up everytime and  
tries again. But Robb doesn't think that he's part of the future Theon is trying to build. He seems  
to be closer to Jeyne these days. And Robb feels jealous. Jealous of the sun laying eyes on  
Theon, when he isn't allowed to. If he's learned something through all the ordeals they've  
been through, it's that he's truly still in love with Theon.  
But just the same as when he watched his mother die, he can only stand there and watch.  
Tries to help Theon will be rebuked at best, counteracted at worst. Theon doesn't need  
him any longer. He is more hurting than helping Theon with his presence. Robb is now the one  
without a place to turn to.  
Theon might be too, but he's been all his life. And when Robb walks across the courtyard at Pyke  
each morning, he understands for the first time the strength that lay behind every single grin, every  
single smile Theon showed all those years.

****

"My sister is giving me a ship. Tomorrow I'm sailing for the Free Cities. You are welcome to join me."  
It's a one time offer Theon's not going to repeat. That much Robb can tell by his face. It's a chance  
at reconciliation. A chance to find his sister. Robb knows he's going to board that ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments! Also, if you find typos, incomplete sentences or random words please inform me, I had lots of trouble with my editing program this time.
> 
> The knife game I'm referring to, is this game, where you put your hand on a table, fingers splayed out and you try to hit the spaces between your fingers with a knife.


	4. Honestly, I just want you to be brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robb and Theon reach the free cities, looking for a new life. Will their past follow them there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit, I'm just going to post it now. I sometimes think you can never get to the point where you're actually content with your work. ^^°
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter than the last ones, but it's just easier to edit and pinpoint a certain idea or mood. This chapter is mainly about Theon trying to move on. It's also, of course, about Robb and Theon, but the focus is on Theon trying to recuperate and finding out if he's still able to achieve anything and what exactly he wants.
> 
> If you find huge mistakes, please write me! Thanks!
> 
> The title is from the song Brave from Sara Bareilles.

And refresh the page and restart the memory?  
Respark the soul and rebuild the energy?  
We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemies  
Sorry for the night demons still visit me  
The plan was to drink until the pain's over  
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?

(Kanye West - Dark Fantasy)

****

"No," Jeyne shakes her head resolutely. "You're not leaving me behind."  
"But you're happy here." Theon reasons. "We're not even sure where exactly we are going."  
"Maybe I want to see the free cities too." She shrugs.  
The decision is made.

****

They take the bottleneck at Ironman's Bay, traveling over land at first. Then they take The Green Fork till they reach the sea. Accompanied by ironborn, no one suspects to look among them for a supposedly dead king. At Quite Isle Theon's ship waits for them, including crew. They cross the Narrow Sea and sail alongside the coast until they reach Essos and then even further. Robb wonders if Theon will ever stop going or if they'll sail until they fall of the face of the earth. They make stops at Pentos, Lys and Volantis to get new supplies. It's hard to tell what Theon is searching for or if he is even searching at all. Maybe he's just glad to be back at the sea.

****

Volantis is new and exotic. Theon is fascinated by the elephants. It's like he's been dropped into a completely different world. Where there are no boundaries to neither dreams nor imagination.  
But it's not yet enough. It's not yet what he's looking for. He still feels more like a piece of driftwood, going whereever the current takes him.

****

Robb sees all those exotic cities and the endlessness of the sea. And it's all hard to believe. He never expected to leave Westeros. He expected to win or to die. He thought he'd win back the North, rebuild Winterfell. He expected to die a king if nothing else.  
No one ever told him that there where other possibilities in a Game of Thrones.  
He left everything behind that ever defined him. His home, his family, his title. Even his name.  
The only thing he's still holding on to is his values.

****

Robb is nothing he could still reach for. Theon isn't pessimistic, just realistic. He still has a life, he has a purpose, but he hasn't Robb any longer and he never again will.  
It's neither's fault. Really. He's not even punishing himself any longer for what he did. They just both had, well, bad stars. A lot of things shouldn't have happened but they did. And now there's nothing left to be done. Because simple as that, the damage done to him is just too much. Too much, for even Robb, in his fatal goodness, to ignore.  
And as things are, Theon doesn't even know himself, what he could want if he ever felt like wanting again.

****

They run out of food near Yunkai. Robb didn't even know it was in the hands of the Targaryen girl until they've already entered the city.

"Are you crazy?" Theon asks. "If she's got any brains at all, she's going to kill you straight away."  
"I don't think so. But you don't have to come." Robb shrugs.  
"Yeah, right." Theon rolls his eyes.

****

"You're The Wolf King. I've heard about you." Daenarys contemplates him. "Why do you come to me?"  
"To offer my services." Robb Stark answers without hesitation, wearing an expression of integrity, she can't tell yet is meticulously rehearsed or genuine.  
"What is it you hope to gain from this? Your throne? I intend to rule over all of the seven kingdoms, for it is mine by right." Daario told her to kill both of them. Jorah recommended to hear them out. At the bottom line it will be her decision.  
"I have no taste for a crown, never had. All I wish is to free my country from the grasp of the Lannisters."  
She is satisfied enough by that answer, if it is the truth.  
"You crossed the Narrow Sea. Were you the captain?"  
"No," Robb Stark turns to the man standing beside him, to whom she hasn't paid much attention so far, "He was."  
"What is your name." She asks.  
The man meets her eyes now. He's younger than his partly greyed hair would have suggested. He seems conflicted for a moment, as if contemplating whether to share that information with her.  
"Theon Greyjoy." He then answers with a steady voice.  
Interesting. A Greyjoy. She needs people who know how to sail. If they know Westeros, even the better. And pirates. Well, that's more than she could have ever wished for.  
"I am going to cross the Narrow Sea in time. I have an army. I have ships. But I have no one who knows how to handle a fleet. I will give you the chance to prove your intentions. If you pass, you will lead my men to Westeros."  
If she needs to kill them later, there will be enough time. She's still a long way from sailing back home. There is still much to do. And for now she intends to give them both the benefit of the doubt.

****

The next day Robb and Theon are presented with a group of Dothraki looking mostly menacing and like they can't decide what they're more suspicious of, them or the ships. Alongside there's a large crowd of soldiers that are called Unsullied and look like they really can't be bothered.  
"What do they say?" Theon eyes the Dothraki dubiously.  
"I think they're scared of your dogs."  
Theon moves a little closer to the dogs, "Good."  
The Unsullied look like they're a lot more easy to talk to. Well, if they had a language to communicate in, that is.

****

As long as he's been gone from the Iron Islands, these things stay in your blood. Daenerys Targaryen's fleet isn't exactly Theon's single longboat, but the basics are the same. The Unsullied learn quickly. And the remaining Dothraki are so few, he takes them as crew on his boat, while his original crew spreads over the other ships, continuing the training there. They talk basically with hand and feet. But actions needed on a boat are easy explained by showing and after a few weeks, Theon's managed the basics of Dothraki.  
It feels almost meditative. The smell of the sea. The creaking of the ship under him.

****

Robb doesn't know what he intends to gain from joining Danaerys Targaryen. Redemption? Revenge? A chance to see his siblings again in this life? He just hopes he won't prove as disastrous to her as he's proven to his own men and family.

****

Daario Naharis is pissed off with the newcomer. This throneless king. If he tries to place any claims on Danaerys, he's going to kill him.

****

"I haven't figured you out yet." Daenerys tells him. "Is it revenge you seek? Or power?"  
"A chance to make it better. You're the last chance our country has." Robb answers.  
She ponders that.  
"You don't believe in second chances then?"  
"In a game of thrones you win or you die." Robb shrugs.  
"You did neither." She points out.  
"Fair enough."  
"Your friend," she starts again. "What does he want?"  
"A new life, I think."

****

My reek. There you go. Yeah. That's a good boy.

Theon wakes up, his heart beating up to his throat. It would have been just too easy if ghosts couldn't swim.

He jumps into the water, breaking through the surface of the moon-lit ocean. Again and again he dives in, working his muscles until they ache. Trying to get his head free. Trying to drown the ghost that clings to him like wet clothes, pulling him under.

****

The Unsullied. They were as much shock as revelation. He couldn't believe it when Jorah Mormont told him, unaware of the meaning his words held for Theon. A simple question, stemming from mere curiosity. Why are they called the Unsullied? Mormont had no reason not to answer or speak anything but candid. No one knows. Robb hasn't told anyone and Theon makes damn sure no one will get the chance to find out.

****

"Grey Worm? That's really your name?" Theon asks one morning.  
"It is now."  
"Isn't it your slave name?"  
"It is. Why do you ask?"  
"I was once given another name too. I didn't feel like keeping it."  
Grey Worm looks closer at him then. Theon is sure he can't tell by just looking, but somehow it feels like he understands.

****

His life is far from perfect, but it's far from hopeless too. He's got a name again, he's got a purpose and he's on a ship. Not to mention the fact that Robb is with him. Only he's not so much now. Robb spends almost all day with the Targaryen girl, Mormont, Grey Worm and Naharis in war council. Of course, except for that Naharis guy, who, to Theon's knowledge, has only before led an troop of bandits/mercenaries, Robb is the closest she's got to someone who's experience with leading an army in an actual war.

****

"Lady Targaryen," Theon starts to say, while observing the fleet, "is she married?"  
"The queen is widowed." Grey Worm answers.  
"So, this Naharis. He's not something like her spouse?"  
"My lady's personal relations are none of my business."  
The answer doesn't douse Theon's suspicions. For his concern, that Lady Targaryen was a little too happy to trust Robb. Maybe she's trying to marry her way into the North. Why shouldn't Robb accept that chance? She's stunning. Theon isn't sure he's ever seen a more beautiful woman. She would be giving him not only that, but also a crown and dragons. And however ill timed and badly thought-through Robb's attempt had been, Theon had been the one to reject it. And Robb's been smart enough not to repeat the offer made in the heat of emotion, with eyes and brain still muddled by nostalgy.

****

Theon doesn't even know how to begin explaining or asking or anything.  
"Did you...Were you always...?"  
"A eunuch?", Grey Worm doesn't seem to be offended, "Since I was a child."  
"Do you think it's easier that way, than later?"  
"I have no idea."  
And how should he, Theon thinks bitterly, angry about his own stupidity. He hopes Grey Worm won't be offended by this, but at least they're already in Theon's cabin.  
"I'm also..." Theon's pushes down his breeches. Surprise passes over Grey Winds face, followed by understanding, like an assumption of his has been confirmed.  
"So you too, were once owned by someone." There's neither disgust nor pity in his eyes. "It takes choices from you, but it leaves enough."  
Theon laughs, bitter and painfully relieved.  
"Society taught you to believe yourself less of a man because of it. But name one man out there that could best me in a fight." Grey Wind holds Theon's gaze before he continues, "What is or is not between your legs is only a very small part of what makes you out, brother."  
Theon is stunned by those words. He's told himself so, often enough, tried to live according to it, too. Yet he never really felt those words. Hearing them now from someone else, seeing them proven by someone else. He's not sure he can trust his voice, when he speaks up.  
"Thank you."

****

He isn't in a constant state of pause. This is his life. It is happening now. This second and every second to follow. And whatever he is now and whatever he's going to be, he does it of his own free choosing.

****

Daario Naharis looks at the girl in the yard and does a double take. She arrived with the cripple and the so-called King. Rather plain. He didn't take much notice of her.  
"A woman wielding weapons?" He asks, unconvinced.  
"That's right." Jeyne glares at the man at least two heads taller than her. "Got a problem with that."  
Her Valyrian is coarse, slightly bordering on vulgar. Street tongue. She probably learned it from the Dothraki.  
"Well, no." He answers, scratching his head, suddenly in the defensive. "Is that what Westerosi women usually do?"  
She snorts. "Hardly. Not because we aren't able to, though. What about your queen? She leads your army."  
"I respect her greatly!" He answers defensively. "I do respect women!"  
"Fancy a little sparring then?"  
"Sure." What has he gotten himself into?

****

"Shit, Theon, if you ever decide to stop being an asshole, you know where to find me." Robb says before leaving after having another argument with Theon.  
Theon stares at the door, just slammed shut. Robb came to just spend time, deciding to spend his precious free time with him instead of Daenerys Targaryen or god knows who. And nevertheless Theon managed to start a fight. Spitefullness is something that stayed with him ever since the Dreadfort. Insecurity is a very unattractive quality. But what Theon feels for Robb is far from just friends. And that makes it all so fucking unfair and maddening.

****

Daario leans down to kiss her. Before he's even touched her face, the hilt of her sword hits him in the face. He's so startled he doesn't even block it.  
"Ouch." Daario touches his cheek, numbly, still trying to figure out what went wrong.  
"Do you never ask?" Jeyne looks at him, disapprovingly.  
"Do you always convey 'no' with a sword?"  
"Be grateful I took the blunt side." Jeyne says.  
Daario isn't sure what kind of expression he's wearing right now, but it seems to amuse her. The hardness leaves her face again and she lets out a soft snort.

****

They are on Theon's boat again, sharing a cup of wine in his cabin.  
"Are you never angry, because of what happened to you? Do you never feel resentment?" Theon asks, sitting on his cot, propped up on his forearms.  
"I am lucky. If Daenerys Targaryen hadn't saved me, I'd still be a slave." Grey Worm answers, from his spot opposite of Theon.  
"No, I mean generally. Do you never question why this had to happen to you?"  
Grey Worm laughs at that notion. "No." He returns with a smile. "Bad things happen to all sorts of people. There's no system or plan behind it. You have no control of what you're set up with. You have control over what you do with it. Me. You. Even your king. Look at my lady. She was left with nothing. And now she has nearly everything. No one gave it to her. She took it. And with it, she took our chains."

****

"Is this guy bothering you?" Theon stares at Naharis dubiously.  
"No." Jeyne answers quickly. Too quickly for Theon's taste.  
"Stay out of my hair, cripple." Naharis says, parading his full height in front of Theon.  
Theon just strokes the head of one of his dogs, though, staring up at Naharis, unimpressed. He knows that you need neither height nor muscles to haunt someone for the rest of their life. All you need is a mind. Naharis doesn't have that kind of mind. Too straightforward. Just like Robb.  
He is about to retort something, when Jeyne jabs Naharis in the side with her elbow.  
"Don't talk like that to my friend! Apologize!" She says, sternly.  
"Sorry...Greyjoy."  
Theon is pretty sure there's no need for him to intervene here.

****

Not for the first or twentieth time Robb has to ask himself why, apparently, he and Theon are still unable to have a normal conversation like the adults they're supposed to be.  
He doesn't feel very grown-up right now. Again in some completely unnecessary fight with Theon. Seriously, calling each other names? His only consolation is that Theon's the older one.  
He isn't even taking account of what he's just said. But whatever he said, he's drawn out of his reverie, when Theon's knuckles connect very painfully with his face.

*

It feels kind of freeing, the moment his fist hits Robb's face. The impact of knuckles on cheekbone, the spark of pain that shoots through his hand.  
But what's the best about it is the moment the surprise on Robb's face turns to anger and the punch is returned. Robb isn't pulling his punch either.  
Soon they're rolling around on the ground. Kicking, pulling, struggling.  
It's completely stupid and meaningless. And it feels so natural. He can't remember the last time they got into a row like this.

Theon staggers to his feet, wiping the blood from his mouth. He looks at the sky, then he looks at Robb again and he laughs. He throws his head back and laughs. Then he reaches out with his hand and pulls Robb back to his feet.

Robb turns to the watching Dothraki apologetically and convinces them that everything is alright.

In the evening, at dinner, Daenerys throws them both disapproving looks. So the tale has reached her.  
Robb and Theon throw each other looks and break into grins simultanously.

****

Awkward at first, but it felt like the thing to do. He wonders if Grey Worm has ever done this before.  
He wonders what exactly they are supposed to do, except kissing. Being touched again feels incredibly good. It's the first time in forever Theon takes his clothes of in front of someone by his own free will. And it's so incredible good, that it's in front of someone who understands. He sees Grey Worm and all his scars and the way he's not ashamed of them, doesn't even consider them something one could be ashamed of. And he's so beautiful. Theon brings their lips back together. He wants to touch all of his body and he wants him to touch all of his.

****

Robb had imagined a lot of things, but never this. He wishes he's never seen it. And he hates him so much right now, both of them. And he feels ashamed for being so selfish, but he can't even try to pretend to be happy for him. He thought Theon wasn't able to move on, but as it turns out he was just not able to move on with him. It's a strange feeling to be the one turned down. The one not good enough. Whatever Theon needed, obviously it was nothing Robb could give him.

****

"Hey Robb," Theon walks into Robb's room.  
"Don't you know how to knock?!"  
"Sorry, princess." Theon rolls his eyes. "I have something for you."  
Robb only looks at him sullenly. Theon ignores it.  
"It's not a direwolf, but it's pretty big anyway." He pulls a giant pup into view.  
"Why thanks, that's so thoughtful." Robb answers with utter disinterest.  
"Well, fuck you! Sorry for trying to do something nice! It won't happen again!"  
"Good! Wouldn't want you to waste your precious time with good old Robb!"  
"What's your problem?!"  
"Absolutely nothing." Robb shrugs. "Why don't you go back to your boyfriend?"  
Theon's eyes go huge. His brows furrow. Then he carefully asks.  
"You have a problem with Grey Worm?"  
"Not the least. But you seem to have a problem with me. You turn me down, but he's okay? I accepted that you didn't want anything like that. But this guy shows up and suddely it's all okay again?!"  
All Theon can do is take a breath.  
"Is it because he's like you? Because he's..." Robb continues.  
Theon's face goes white, "Don't say it."  
Robb's too far gone to care about the aftermath.  
"Because he's castrated, just like you!"  
Theon hits him in the face and leaves. Three things occur to Robb just afterwards, in that order. His nose isn't broken, Theon's left the dog and he can't will a dead relationship back to life.

****

A word. Just a word. A word has no power over him. Grey Worm said so a thousand times.  
He's pulled himself together. No one here is looking down on him. Except maybe Daario Naharis. But who gives a fuck about his opinion?  
A word can't take all that from him. A word that probably means much more to him than it does to Robb.  
And now he has to make a decision. But to be honest, is there really a question? Whether Robb meant whatever he could have meant by what he said. They're in this together. No matter how far it takes them. Till the end. How bitter or sweet it might be.

****

"There's news that Arya might be in Braavos." Theon's voice is curt. "The Dothraki go with us. Lady Targaryen thinks it's a good training for their sailing skills, but most of all it's just her way of making sure we come back."  
Robb can't believe, after the way he's acted, Theon is still willing to leave everything behind at a moments notice to help him. As if it wasn't even a question.  
It's a little too early for hope, but a little too late to give up too.

****

"We're sailing for Braavos." Theon tells Jeyne. "We're leaving in two days."  
Jeyne looks uncomfortable.  
"I won't come this time."  
"Why?"  
"I am kinda engaged." She blushes.  
"What do you mean 'kinda'?"  
"Well, Daario Naharis asked me to marry him. And I, kinda said yes."  
Jeyne goes beetroot red again and thinks that Sansa would be so jealous if she'd see her now.  
Theon nearly doubles over. There goes his hope for marrying Daenerys off.  
"That asshole proposed to you?! When did that happen?!"  
"Well somewhere between you and Robb stopping to talk to each other and you and Robb starting to yell at each other."  
"Okay, makes sense." Theon nods mechanically. "What the fuck?! What else did I miss? Did we already take back The Seven Kingdoms?"  
"No," Jeyne shakes her head. "But I'm pregnant."  
Theon sputters. "Really?!"  
"Well," Jeyne does a little spin around herself. "You'll find out in nine months."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	5. I just need some help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon and Robb are on the sea again and it's time to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A late Merry Christmas and a early Happy New Year to everyone. Despite being sick (during the holidays T.T) I managed to get this chapter done (I admit it's not very long^^).
> 
> The title is from the song 'Help' by Hurts.

Cause I know what I've been missing  
And I know that I should try  
But there's hope in this admission  
And there's freedom in your eyes

And I hope to god you'll listen  
And you'll keep me safe from harm  
Cause I found what I was missing  
When I fell into your arms

I can feel the darkness coming  
And I'm afraid of myself  
Call my name and I'll come running  
Cause I just need some help 

(Help - Hurts)

****

Once again they are on Theon's ship. Theon stands on deck, looking at the sea like it's his kingdom. Robb takes the place beside him. Theon looks like he's intently listening to something. The ocean?  
"Life's not anything like I expected it to be." Theon says.  
"Tell me about it." Robb answers. "If it was I'd be savely at Winterfell, with my parents alive." And you by my side.  
"It's not that bad. Different, but not bad."  
It's maybe ungrateful, after all he's still alive and Theon too for that matter. But Robb can't say he's yet arrived at the point of things being okay. No, but he'll get there again. Or, at least, he will go down trying.

****

Not that bad. The skin on his back is slowly getting a normal color. The dogs and the Dothraki are slowly getting over their sea-sickness.  
Robb is here with him. And Theon's love for him is still stronger than his urge to strangle him.  
He's on the sea, where he's supposed to be. And in front of him is a world that's so big he can't possible travel it all. A world where no one knows him or cares about whether he's a Greyjoy, where no one even knows what a Greyjoy is.  
He doesn't cry as much anymore at night. And he can accept help with his hand now, without flipping completely.  
He misses Grey Worm. He still trains every morning, like he did with him. It helps. It gives him reassurance, self-confidence. And the Drowned God knows he needs it. He will never use a bow again, a sword neither, but he can fight with the two daggers, Greyworm has given him. They are light and have special handles that steady his grip on them.

****

"Can we talk?" Robb asks after a few days, finally having scratched together the remaining scraps of his courage.  
"'Bout what?" Theon asks busily, eyes never leaving the ropes he's just tying together.  
And there goes Robb's courage. He can't spell it out. Not again.

*

He underestimated what being on so close space with Robb would do to him. He misses Grey Worm with a vengeance. He would know how to stop his mind from spinning out of control.  
But now he has to help himself, because Grey Worm isn't here. And he's a grown man. And he's been through worse.  
"I want to apologize." Robb looks positively crushed. "I don't deserve any of what you did for me. What you do for me."  
It would be a lie to say it's already forgotten, that it doesn't matter, that it doesn't hurt. It would be a lie to say it hasn't effectively destroyed every budd of blossoming hope that they could ever become something again. On the other hand it's refreshing not being the asshole for once. He wonders if it's refreshing for Robb too, to be the asshole for once.

*

Isn't he going to say anything? Robb is feeling exponentially vulnerable with every second that passes. Theon just stands there, looking at him now, but otherwise impassive.  
"I know there's nothing I could say in my defense," Robb continues more and more desperate. "What I said was inexcusable!"  
"Don't put so much meaning into words." Theon shrugs, smiling wryly. "You know, sticks and stones. I had my fare share of sticks and stones. I'm not that fragile. And honestly, I've heard far worse from Ramsay."  
How nonchalantly he mentions the name. Robb can't remember the last time either of them said that name.  
"But I'm not Ramsay." Robb has to say. And he wonders if it was Theon's intention, his payback to compare him to Ramsay. He would deserve it. Because no matter what Theon would like to pretend, they both know that he is indeed fragile. They both are. And trying to reopen the freshly sealed cracks in Theon's armor was the cruelest he could have done.

*

"I never wanted to hurt you." Robb says seeming short of wringing his hands.  
Yes, you did, Theon thinks. "Forget about it," he says.  
"I love you with all my heart. I need you to know that. I need you to believe that."  
"Forget about that too."  
They could spend hours talking about everything he misses, everything they were. And it wouldn't get them one step forward.

*

If only I could. Robb looks for something in Theon's eyes, something that would give his words a different meaning.  
But there's nothing, nothing that would make sense. Why can't he just give up and let Theon be? But they're still alive, despite the odds have held their eulogies many times by now. And they should by all means be together.

****

They see the ship from the distance. They recognize the black flag they've been warned of at every harbor. Theon is hit by the irony of pirates attacking pirates.  
"Fuck." Robb says, while Theon is already gone, giving orders to his crew. The ship speeds up considerably, going towards the pirate ship. They come to a stop right beside the ship. Too close for canons. The Dothraki enter the other ship, looking all feral and bloodthirsty. Theon is pretty sure they've heard of them even in the Narrow Sea. Though no one would have expected them on a ship. The Dothraki butcher everyone who stands in their way. The battle is short and bloody. Theon stays on his ship and watches. And for once he doesn't feel like a coward or a failure. Because it's okay to accept some help.  
When they're through, Theon enters the ship himself, going through the possessions of the deceased pirates. Once they're through, He sets the ship on fire.

*

Theon looks at Robb and smiles mischievously, "I guess I just officially paid the iron price. Though probably not the way my father intended."  
Robb can't see the humor in it, when he looks at the burning carcass of the dead ship. Since the Red Wedding blood reminds him only of that.  
But he is sincerely glad to see Theon laughing. Always.

****

"What are you doing?" Theon asks, leaning over his shoulder curiously. Which is a hell of a lot more proximity than Robb's been used to from him the last months.  
"I'm writing to Daenerys."  
"Oh, yeah? Well, I sure won't keep you from it."  
Theon's presence is gone instantly and he walks to the door. Robb isn't really sure if Theon is pissed off by him writing Daenery or just pissed off in general. Robb already got the vibe that Theon doesn't like Daenerys, but he's not sure why. In the old days, Theon would probably have hit on her in a manner as tasteless as Daario Naharis.  
"Oi, where do you think you're going?!" Robb yells, stopping Theon in track.  
"Out." Theon states, arms crossed.  
"Theon. You have no basis to be pissed off with me writing Daenerys. There is nothing going on between her and me. And if there was, you'd still have no right to. We're done Theon. There's nothing between us. You said no. I accepted it. You moved on. End of the story." Robb can't quite believe his own voice as he dishes out the ugly truth. Where has his old neverending patience gone to? These days he feels like only one illtimed remark from snapping, all the time.

*

"That's right." Theon answers automatically, not quite believing the words he hears. Is it wrong to feel hurt that Robb would accept his decision? Yes, it most definitely is. It's hard for him. But it must be hard for Robb too. He, just like him, had to throw away his entire life and start from scratch.  
Theon's features soften a bit from his formerly closed off expression. "I guess I was so busy with myself that I didn't even realise you had a new life to build too." He concedes.  
"Damn right." Robb says, pitilessly. "I had a bad time too. I would have needed you, but you weren't there. You thought your job was done with saving my life. But it's not that easy. It never is."  
As always when dealing with accusations, Theon responds with anger, before evaluating whether the charges might be justified.  
"Your not a fucking kid, Robb! Did you want me to hold your hand?! You seemed to do pretty fine on your own!"  
"I'm talking about being there for each other!"  
"I was trying to in the end! You were the one acting like a jerk!"  
"Yes!" Robb yells back. "Because it fucking hurt! It still does! How could it not!"  
Theon scowls, averting his gaze. His lips press into a thin line.  
"Yes." He says softly. "I know about hurt alright. Do you think I wanted it to go that way? But what can I do? I can't keep regretting and regretting for the rest of my life."  
"Fucking hell, Theon! No one is forcing you to say no to me! There is no such thing as 'the situation commands it'. You are making the decision! You decide to turn me down! So at least don't pretend to yourself that someone is forcing you!"  
Theon feels the anger and the bitterness seep into his bones again like black poison, trying to destroy everything that's good and beautiful before it has even the chance to bloom. Yet again he wants to lash out. Mock Robb for his words and equally himself for his feelings. Since he's left the Dreadfort fled from Ramsay's grasp...He didn't take his life back as he wanted to, as he'd vowed to himself. He'd continued to shy from everything that promised life, color, happiness. He'd turned everything he'd touched to ash and pitch. He'd screamed and begged for a second chance and done everything to prevent it. Life was continuing without him and it was no-one's fault but his own. It was so hard to heal. So hard. And he was trying at some points, but at others it had just been so much easier, so much less painful to just remain as he was. In familiar pain and misery. He'd done so much in the last year, since they'd come to Yunkai. He'd changed so much. Did so much to get better. But at one point he'd just been too scared. Too much of a coward to see where things would lead. He hadn't been that way before. He'd been brave at one point in his life. Hopeful. He'd believed that life had good in store for the two of them. Him and Robb together. No matter how fucked up everything had been. No matter how angry and scared he'd been most of his childhood. No matter how unfair it had all been. He'd taken the good parts and drawn the strength from it to smile when there had been nothing to smile about. Where was that strength now? Had Ramsay cut it out of him? No, he refused to believe that. No matter what Ramsay had done to his body and tried to do to his soul. Ramsay was no mage, he couldn't touch his soul unless Theon let him. He'd left Ramsay and had continued just as if he'd never left at all. Peeling layer and layer of fresh skin off his soul, so it never would heal.

*

Robb sees the pain fight across Theon's features. He sees him getting ready to brush everything away again, to mock him, to call everything they both know a lie.  
There's so much darkness in Theon. So much hopelessness and hurt. And Robb isn't sure it all came through Ramsay. It had been there before, growing with all the injustice Theon had to stomach his entire life. But the happiness and strength in Theon had been too strong back then. They had pushed the blackness down. But if the darkness is too strong to be contained now... Robb is willing to stay in the darkness with him together. He's about to tell Theon so.  
"I need your help, Robb." Theon has tears in his eyes. "I can't...I can't repair it all myself."  
"I'll help you however I can." Robb feels tears sting his eyes too. "You know that. Always."  
"I'm too much of a coward to keep walking forward on my own."  
This is as close as they ever got to repairing, to admitting defeat so there can be healing.  
Robb closes his eyes, "I don't know if you actually love Grey Worm, but... I love you, just as I did before. I told you so, many times. So, if there's any chance you might feel the same again at some point, please let me try!"  
He doesn't dare to kiss Theon this time.  
"The problem was never you."  
Robb opens his eyes again.  
"You're perfect."  
"You don't really mean that." Robb jokes, half-heartedly, sure he's going to be brushed off again. The small flame of hope dancing dangerously in the draught, ready to go out again.  
"I do, always did. I want you just as much as I always did. There wasn't really ever anyone but you. No chance." Theon laughs wistfully. "Who was there supposed to be, when there was you." Theon's hand moves up to Robb's face, pushing a curl out of his face.  
Robb doesn't wait for more of an answer. He wraps his arms around Theon and pulls him close. Before Theon has even the chance to bail out, he kisses his temple, his ear and whispers, "Don't run. Please."  
Theon doesn't run. This time it's him that moves and Robb who's hit with surprise. It's the first time in what feels like ten lifetimes ago, that Theon kisses him again, even though Robb still remembers his last catastrophic attempt to kiss Theon.  
Theon kisses with as much abandon as he always used to. And Robb knows this is what he wants, what he's always going to want. And he feels more like burning the whole ship down, once they reach the harbour, than letting Theon go back to Grey Worm.  
He's feeling possessive, almost crazy with need and oh-so-fucking-in-love. And there's only one person who could ever inspire that combination of emotions in him. Ever since knowing Theon, craziness and love had always come as an item.

They separate again, eventually. Theon's hands let carefully go of Robb's face moving away slowly, hesitantly as if they're not sure it's save to let go.  
"If we're doing this..." Theon swallows. "If you're willing to risk this..." His eyes jolt up to Robb's, looking frenzied and hopeful. "You might not get anything out of it but trouble." He buries his face in his hands in an exasperated gesture directed at himself and at the same time waiting for the storm to strike.  
"I don't care." Robb's eyes never leave Theon, patiently waiting for him to face him again, standing tall with his emotions for everyone to see. Needing this one person to see them, to understand and believe them. No regret there. Love, yes. Tenderness, always. Need, most of all. Only ever for Theon.  
"No-" Theon's hands move away, his mouth ready to contradict Robb.  
"Yes." Robb asserts.  
"Why?"  
"Because." Robb's smile is a little smug now.

*

"You expect too much. You have a completely wrong perception of me!" Theon starts to ramble. He knows Robb is wrong. He knows. It's not too late to back out. It was a mistake. It must be a mistake. Not too late-  
"Theon. Theon, look at me! I know what I'm wanting. And I know what I'm getting. And when it comes to you I'd take whatever I can get, no questions asked. So, there isn't really anything you could say to change my mind. And now, that I know you feel the same there's effectively nothing you could say to make me leave."  
Robb sounds so incredibly sure. So certain and decisive. He sounds like Theon is something worth having. Something to fight for. No, someone to fight for. There was a time when he'd been sure too. When he'd have fought for Robb.  
And if he can have Robb... If he can have Robb after all... then maybe...maybe if it could work out. Maybe, he wouldn't have lost everything at the Dreadfort. Maybe he'd been healing after all. It was better now than it had been back at Pyke. Maybe it could get better still. With Robb's help.  
"It won't be easy."  
"Yeah," Robb smiles, fondly. "I know."  
"At times I might try to destroy it all again. And you mustn't just throw me away then." Theon feels fear pulling on his insides.  
"Your fears are stupid." Robb says, voice gentle. "And I will tell you so every time. I had all the time in the world to leave and enough reasons at that. And at some point I had every intention to do just that. It didn't work out. I'm not going to run now, just because it's going to be a little difficult."  
"It won't just be a little."  
"It never is with you. Not with anything about you."  
Robb is insane and every word of his makes sense. And Theon feels so much hope it turns his guts inside out. He knows it's going to go horribly wrong. They are going to hate each other for ever trying. But then again, hate has never been a reason for them to keep apart. And whatever destruction Theon will havoc over their relationship from now on, it is going to be his own stupidity, not the ghost of Ramsay guiding his hand. And that is a thought both beautiful and bone-shattering frightening. It is his responsibility now, to be happy.

*

Theon looks scared and young and like he's going to be sick.  
"Don't expect things of me, I can't give you."  
Robb cups his face, bringing their foreheads together.  
"I never would."  
After treason, death and torture, what could tear them apart again? They'd seen each other at their worst. And they'd given each other their worst. And despite it all neither of them had budged even a foot away from the other. Time to admit that walking away won't get them anywhere. And honestly, who'd want to walk away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ·͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙ ༓❅⃝༓༓࿇⃝༓༓❅⃝༓༓Love you all!༓༓❅⃝༓༓❅⃝༓༓❅⃝༓·͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙  
> 


	6. Guts over Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon and Robb have made it clear where they stand with each other. Finally together again. Now it should be easy, right?
> 
> And of course there's still the reason they came to Braavos in the first place: Arya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another part of those two's story that I wanted to tell. I can't say when the next update will be, but I'll keep each chapter without cliffhanger so it can be read as more or less complete up to the current point.
> 
> Thanks to all the people who left kudos and comments here over the time. It still means a lot to me and gave me incredible gratification as a writer.

And I would give all this and heaven too  
I would give it all  
if only for a moment that I could just understand  
the meaning of the world you see  
Cause I was strolling it forever  
but it never makes sense to me at all

And all my stumbling phrases  
never amounted to anything  
worth this feeling

(Florence + The Machine - All this and heaven too)

****

Theon doesn't know how much he's already had, but since the room isn't moving on its own yet, it's obviously not been enough. He sees a guy staring at the missing fingers on his hand. Yes, a brawl would be nice right now. He sees pity on the guys face and his hand goes automatically to his knife. At the same moment, Robb pops up in his head, reminding him of the importance of acting responsible and cautious. His hand lets go of the knife and he orders another drink.  
A waitress who's been throwing him glances all evening, stops at his table. Theon is astounded she doesn't seem to care about his partly grey hair.  
It's probably his I-don't-give-a-shit attitude. Robb says he doesn't mind the hair so much as the attitude.  
Theon shoots the waitress a partly amused, partly wistful glance.  
"Sorry, sweetheart. I doubt either of us would gain very much from it."

*

Robb has had enough of stalking through the twisting alleys of the city. He's doing it enough at day, looking for signs of Arya. But it seems around the last couple of days, he's constantly trying to make out Theon's current whereabouts, running after his trail like an idiot. The Dothraki are no help at all. Somehow, Robb really can't tell, they've taken a liking to Theon. Maybe he saves all his niceness for them and Robb only gets the shit attitude. Anyway whenever Robb asks them something about Theon, they suddenly act like they can't understand him, whether he speaks Dothraki or not.

*

Theon reaches for his fresh beer. A hands slams down on top of it.  
"Found you." A certainly pissed off Robb growls at him.  
Theon cuts his losses, lets go of the cup and loses no time to order a new one.  
"He's had enough." Robb tells the waitress.  
"My,my," Theon starts with a false smile, "One could almost think I'm still you're hostage. You making my decisions for me and everything."  
"Dammit, Theon! I don't want to have to drag your alcohol soaked carcass home again!"  
"But since you had no other pressing engagement you came anyway?" Theon grins at him, his bad mood seemingly already passed. But, well, he's had a few drinks already, after all.  
The waitress puts the new beer in the middle between them, probably unsure how to proceed in this.  
"I'm going to drink it myself." Robb threatens, deadpan, as Theon eyes the cup.  
"Splendid! Maybe then you're going to start being any fun."  
"Oh, I'm all the fun in the world. If you were there sometimes you'd know. If I didn't know better I'd say you're uncomfortable in my presence," Robb says one eyebrow raised.  
Theon doesn't meet his eyes, instead giving the pint one last yearning glance, before he gets up, not without muttering his discontent.  
"Alright, drag me home."  
Robb can't help a smile, as Theon refers to their rooms at the inn as 'home'. But, as Theon says, 'Home is where my fucking bed is'.  
Before they have reached the door of the tavern, Theon turns around, and pulls Robb by his collar into a thorough kiss, when he lets go again, nipping Robb's lower lip as he does, there's a big smirk plastered over his face.  
"Who's uncomfortable now?"

****

Things don't change much. Robb would have been a fool to think they would. Theon's back to being his undisclosed, remote, overly hostile self.  
But he can tell Theon's trying. As much as you can be trying while making sure you're an insufferable prick at the same time.

Yes, things haven't changed much, but they've changed in the ways that are important.

****

Theon knows he loves Robb. That should make it easy, shouldn't it? Of all the people in Westeros, they actually have the priviledge of a second chance. 

But, they are not going to work out the insecurities and hurts from the past two years (and probably longer) in a few weeks (not counting the months fighting at and after the Dreadfort, even though, those were probably therapeutic too).

It's more of a tentative truce than peace.

Theon is trying, but despite a lot of things he's telling himself to make himself feel better and a lot of things Robb tells him to make him feel better, there's still very little feeling good going on for what it concerns Theon. It's certainly not that he doubts that he wants what Robb is offering, and it's not even like he's still seriously doubting the sincerity of Robb's feelings. But insecurity, a feeling he used to innerly (and sometimes outward) laugh about when seeing it on girls or boys at Winterfell, is a far more serious obstacle than he ever gave it credit for.  
And it's hard to accept that he's not as brave as he'd like to be.

****

"I would never even think to hurt you. Never." Robb's so serious when he says it. Always so serious.  
"Yep." Is Theon's curt reply.  
"Never." Robb insists. "Not even then."  
"Know that." Theon mumbles. And he does. He does know that. That he's save with Robb. That as many threats as there might be out there, Robb will never be one of them.

****

Theon is out again. Another night prowling the streets.

He hears screaming out of an darkened alley. Best to just keep walking. It's a girl. It reminds him of Jeyne's screams. Not of his own. Now he's walked into the alley anyway. It's three of them. Theon becomes once more pathetically aware that he poses no threat to anyone in physical matters. Yes, he's learned to use his hands again, thanks to Grey Worm, but he wouldn't bet on himself in a fight. He only took one of his dogs with him (Better not to draw too much attention). All three men are armed. Is he really going to put the savety of one of his dogs (not to mention his own) over that of some girl he doesn't even know?  
He walks deeper into the alley. Strolls.  
"Can I join in on the fun?" He drawls, gaining the men's attention for the first time. The girl was quicker, she had her eyes on him already. Not pleading, just looking.  
"Who the fuck are you?" The first man asks, disgruntled.  
"Nice pair of tits she got." Theon assesses, moving even closer as if to catch a better look. And stabs the man to his left, who's holding her legs, in the neck. Before he's even pulled the knife out again, the dog has already ripped off one of the hands holding the girl's arms down. The third man isn't fast enough to pull his pants back up. Turns out Theon can pull his own weight after all. As long as the other guys' backs are turned to him.  
"Do you need a doctor?" Theon asks, starting to rummage through the men's clothes.  
"No." The girl answers apprehensively, bringing some distance between the two of them.  
"Who were they?"  
"Customers." She answers, almost defyingly.  
He figured that much. What other women would be out that late at night, alone. He throws her the purses of the dead patrons.  
"Take care."  
He leaves the woman and the carnage behind.

"Stupid things done for stupid reasons," He tells his dog. "That's what a human life is filled with for the majority."  
She looks up at him with attentive eyes.  
"Be grateful you're a dog. Would have been better for me if I was too. 99% percent of all my problems I wouldn't even care about. Or maybe I would... Can't ask you, can I?"  
He hasn't decided yet whether to feel good about what just happened or to forget about it as quick as he can. He knows one thing though.  
"I need a drink."  
His dog looks at him with what he thinks is understanding. Hell, maybe he'll buy the dog a drink too.

When he makes his way back to the inn it's already the early hours of the morning. In a few hours Robb will wake him up with a stern expression and a disapprovingly drawn eyebrow, to start to search for Arya, as every day. Maybe this time he'll wake him. Theon goes up the stairs to Robb's room, careful not to make too much noise. Then he pounces on Robb's sleeping form, not even taking his boots off. In general this might have been a risky move, in case he would be taken for an intruder and killed in sleep-addled self-defense. Not in Robb's case though. Despite taking great pride in getting up earlier than Theon (which isn't hard), Robb's isn't a morning person either. He probably wouldn't have been able to fend of an attack by Bran armed with a wooden sword, first thing in the morning.  
So Theon first laughs heartily at Robb's flailing and cursing and then kisses him heartily. He let's his hands wander, exploring Robb like he hasn't done in a long time. Robb's smile is sleep-addled, surprised and happy.

****

It's not easy for Theon, not in the least. Dealing with Robb.  
Somehow Theon finds himself falling into Robb's bed on a regular basis. Fooling around, what more's left there for him. Most of the times  
he's already on the other side of sober. Stealing himself off afterwards is also another trait of his, Robb's exceptionally not fond of.  
Theon has put the question, whether or not Robb's lost his mind, off till later. Much later. Right now he's content to give Robb a cheeky grin, while he pushes him into the pillows of the bed.

He can't understand how Robb can be that hopeful that assured in his beliefs about Theon, about what they can be. That they can be again what they were.

****

It is foolishness to love a man as complicated as Theon. It's like all he ever does is make Robb run, make him reach out, make him jump at his every command. And it's never going anywhere. Because Theon strikes out more often than he reaches out. At times Robb isn't sure Theon even wants to try anylonger. Whether he even remembers the conversation on the ship. But then again the feelings flame up again, so sweet, so demanding. Theon will say or do something so rarely tender that Robb is caught again without another chance than yield. Theon claims to not know his power. And often enough he sees it in his eyes. But then again he can't believe him to be that blind to something so obvious.

They used to have such an easy relationship. So sure of the other's feelings. So secure in their own feelings. That security, they didn't know then that it could be lost, so easily, or no, not easy at all. Violently. They lost it the hard way. If the ordeals they went through to lose each other weren't hard he doesn't know what would. They were cut apart like a butcher would separate meat. Cleaved apart. Cutting through feelings, and flesh and tendons alike.

It's been a long time since he'd look at Theon and know what he sees there. A long time since he would look at him and know he'd be there. Theon used to think it fun to play with his feelings. To play with the effect he had on Robb, and the people he used to be with before they became lovers. Back then it was mischief, playfullness, cockiness. No harm intended, seldom any inflicted. Theon still knows how to play at it. He'll change directions so fast it leaves your head spinning. Robb isn't sure about the harm intended now, but it is inflicted nonetheless.

****

They still move in the same patterns, so well known to them. It's a quality they didn't use to have before the Dreadfort, before the Red Wedding. But now, they're both petty, they're both pulled tight enough to snap. They fight because of reasons that often don't make anymore sense when they're over than they did while still in the middle of the fight. Theon still watches his every move, categorizes his every word and look and tries to find rejection there. While Robb knows that he's driving Theon mad with trying to see things positive, when Theon would like to give up on the world and call it a day. Which is strange, because in all of this, Theon's been the one who's been fighting the most. The one who never gave up and bared his teeth to whatever the world threw at them these past months and made damn sure he came out of it standing, they all came out of it standing.

Today is one of those days where Theon is once more ready to throw away everything they have and call it officially a failed experiment, when Robb knows he's just scared because it means so much. It is the same for Robb after all.

"It could work!" Robb shouts, wondering how often they will have this conversation and already feeling exhausted by the number that comes to mind.  
"Yeah, no." Theon doesn't seem to be sure whether to shake his head or nod either.  
"What now?" Robb asks, a smile creeping up, mood already restored, because, yeah, maybe they're going to have this conversation till the end of their days, but as long as they still have it that goes a long way.

****

"You made out with Grey Worm." Robb states as if it would prove some point.  
"Yeah, so?" Theon looks at Robb uncomprehending. "Does that still make you jealous?" Theon smirks, genuinely pleased.  
"Of course it does!" Robb answers, always sincerity itself.  
"So it should." Theon nods satisfied, pulling Robb into a kiss. "So it should."

****

Robb doesn't touch him anylonger. The first week Theon still finds excuses for it, but who is he fooling? Last night Robb kissed him on the forehead, like he's his fucking sister! So much for 'it could work'. Theon expected that. He's not going to indulge in self-pity, thinking in such pathetic terms as 'it still hurts so much', 'I thought I was prepared for it'. But he can say one thing for sure, it's not going to kill him. That would be ridiculous. Knifes kill you. Poison kills you. Love doesn't. The lack of air kills you. Not the lack of love. He's going to pull through this.

Theon locks himself in his room that night, only moments before the breakdown follows, his pillow muffling his sobs. There's knocking on his door. Then it's gone again.

Later that night, when he finally emerges from his room again to get some water - who is he trying to fool? Some wine - Robb is already sitting in the kitchen. He gets up when Theon enters and his expression, that seemed troubled and pensive before he became aware of Theon, turns to outright dismal.  
"Have you been crying?"  
"Yes, from time to time the death of my father still hits me." Theon answers with deadpan sarcasm.  
"I'm sorry," Robb answers, as always - of course - oblivious to the obvious. "If there's anything I can do..."  
"Seriously, Stark?" Theon gives an indignated snort. "Fuck my dead father! And fuck you!"  
The courses seem to have changed too fast for Robb to catch on. At first he just stares at Theon. Then his expression turns hurt and somewhat wry.  
"Oh, are we actually going to talk now?" He asks.

*

Robb nearly makes an completely out of place remark about not having thought that Theon had the balls. It's hard to think clearly, to tread carefully, to remember every tripwire on the road, when he's been barely sleeping the last weeks. Blaming himself and Theon in turn. Trying to figure out what to do. Who's fault it was. What would change it. And coming up empty.  
"Looks like it." Theon returns defiantly.  
"Good." Robb says grimly. "Look," Robb starts off, trying to lead this conversation in a way that won't have him coming out of this without a lover. "There's only so much I can do. I can't read your mind." Robb looks at Theon, but he only stands there as if waiting for some kind of big revelation. "There's only so much I can take."  
"Now we're getting somewhere." Theon says with the most acid-tripping voice Robb's ever heard on him.  
Robb gets this bad feeling again, the one he had at the Red Wedding. That bad feeling that you missed something really important. Something devastatingly important. "I just don't want to hurt you." He tries again.  
"I know," Theon replies, unnerved this time. "And it's okay."  
"Well, it obviously isn't!"  
"What do you want me to say?" Theon shakes his head in disbelief.  
"You could tell me what you want me to do."  
"Robb, it doesn't work like that," Theon closes his eyes as if in silent prayer for patience. "You can't stay with me out of pity. This is not my call to make."  
"What-? Theon, we had this fucking argument," Now, Robb is starting to get angry. "more times than any subject should ever be broached. Pity has nothing to fucking do with it!"  
"Oh, please, Robb! Give me a break. How long are we going to continue this charade?"  
Robb shakes his head, his cheekbones protruding as he clenches his jaw.  
"Okay, I have no idea what you are talking about. Just let's get this clear. I'm not trying to end this. Are you?"  
There's actually something like a sniffle coming from Theon. "No." He doesn't sound sure of that. "But you seem to. If this is some sort of attempt to subtly wane me off you-"  
Robb interrupts him there.  
"I'm not the problem here. Or maybe I am. I'd know, if you'd tell me."  
"What has this been then," Theon makes a vague hand gesture. "Those past weeks?"  
"Theon, if you need to be dead-drunk to stand me touching you, there's something seriously wrong. You can't really think I'd continue to do so under that condition?"  
"I-I..." Theon has utterly lost his momentum. "It's not your fault. I swear!"  
Robb feels pain from looking at the fear in Theon's face.  
"I'd die for you on the spot. Without regrets." Theon says.  
"I know." Robb pulls him close. "I know. I'm not leaving you, Theon. Not unless you want me to. And if you don't want to do anything, we won't"  
"It's just... it's so much easier. I... feel more like my old self that way."  
"But we aren't that anymore." Robb brushes a strand of hair out of Theon's face. "Neither of us. And we don't have to be. So, stop trying so hard."

****

It's awkward and embarassing and chaste as Theon self-consciously reaches over, his hand brushing Robb's hand, almost wanting to pull back just after the first contact. It's so much harder to do this in the light of the day. It's so much harder to do this sober.

****

"We're two pathetic losers aren't we?" Theon says bumping Robb's shoulder with his own, as they watch the shore. "But it could be worse. We could be two separately pathetic losers. Of all the fates in Westeros we made ourselves quite the catch. We don't have to decide over the lives of thousands anylonger. Nor would we be worth any kind of ransom."  
And maybe he hasn't seen it before, but it's not just a handicap, a failure somehow. Being cut loose from everything else, from everything that seemed to matter in their lives isn't failure and it isn't hopelessness. It's freedom. It means he's not dead on some battlefield in Westeros, but here. With Robb. So, who's gonna tell him now what he can and what he can't do? Who's opinion other than Robb's should he give a damn about? And Robb told him how he feels about him. And if he doesn't start trusting Robb soon, then there's really no hope for him.

*

"Let's go swimming." There's strength in Theon's eyes and conviction.  
And before Robb can answer, Theon's already run ahead, shedding his clothes on the way.

****

Robb's hand wanders down to Theon's belt. The same second Theon pushes him away.  
"No. Stop." He's shaking his head vehemently. "No."  
"I'm sorry." Robb backs away immediately. There's a 20/80 success rate of it not ending in a complete fallout when he and Theon make out. He's used to that by now. He knows it all by now. Scratching and Clawing. Locking himself away for hours. Screaming hideous insults at Robb. It doesn't scare Robb anylonger. Not since he understood that this doesn't mean he made an unforgivable transgression, this just means that Theon's scared, overwhelmed, whatever. It'll blow over. And patience is something they both had to learn with each other.

****

"You're just so fucking beautiful and radiant," Theon says, like it's Robb's fault.

*

"You know, that's exactly what I always thought about you." Robb answers and Theon is struck by the use of past tense. "Now you're only grumpy and mean. And sadly enough it hasn't changed my feelings."  
"More the fool you."  
"More the fool I." Robb repeats, smiling like he's just accepted a great compliment.

****

And, yeah, maybe he can trust Robb. No, fuck that, he knows he can trust Robb. He knows what kind of reaction he's going to get and it won't be Robb turning away in disgust and telling him that this was a mistake. Even though that's what's happening in Theon's mind, every time he plays the situation inside his head.  
Theon shuffles out of his breeches. Legs stretched out, on his back, propped up on his elbows, he throws Robb a look. Challenges him.  
Robb takes the challenge. One hand settling on Theon's thigh, unafraid. His eyes on Theon's body, wanting.

****

They lie in the bed, rolling over each other, kissing, hardly letting go of the other's face.  
And upside down he sees Theon's face. And he's smiling.

****

Theon leans forward bringing their mouths together as his hand is still threaded into Robb's hair, half-forgotten. Then he just keeps leaning forward until Robb tumbles onto the bed, Theon coming down on top of him, the momentum pushing him halfover too, only one hand brazing his fall, supsending his face inches from Robb's.  
Robb catches his breath, either from impact or surprise.  
"And that's why I say you're so beautiful," Theon says, tracing his finger over the line of Robb's lip.

****

"Don't you think you're going to miss something at one point?" Theon asks, in one of his braver moments. He knows he doesn't want to hear the answer, because what answer could he possibly get?

*

"Theon," Robb takes his hands into his, making sure Theon is looking at him, really listening, not just pretending, hearing only his own answers in his head. "I'd love you if only your heart was left. I'd love you if you'd been turned into a fucking squid. I'd love you if you'd been turned into a tree."  
"You're aware that doesn't sound exactly sane?" Theon asks with a shaky voice.  
"That's what everyone tells me, when I talk about loving you." Robb shrugs.

****

"Are you going to run away again?!" Robb yells at him angrily. "Did we get no fucking step forward!"  
"No! I'm not!" Theon yells back. "Because, I'd be stupid to do so! If I'd ever do so! I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but I'm not going to repeat that one! So, as long as you don't want me to, I'm not going anywhere!"  
"Then why the hell are we even fighting?!" Robb still yells it, but he already feels the threads of anger slipping through his hands.

****

"Fuck this!" Theon stops in track, turning around, facing Robb. "Just because neither of us says it out loud it doesn't disappear. We're not going to find her." He puts both hands on Robb's shoulders. "Just because we keep looking that won't change a thing." He enounciates every single word. "You hear me, Robb? We've been here for two months and if we stay here for two more years, if we haven't found her by now, we won't find her."  
"Were is this coming from?" Robb asks, like it's a special Theon-quirk and not a gods-be-damned universal truth he's speaking here.  
"That is coming from that area situated between my ears, where some people have this special capacity for reason." Theon bites out. "And it's okay that I have to state the obvious, I wouldn't expect of you to call off the search, you're her brother. But, Robb, she is gone. I'm not saying she's dead, but she sure as fuck isn't in Bravoos."  
"We're staying." Robb states.  
"Oh, are we? You're not my king."  
"Okay, leave. I'm staying."  
"The gods help me," Theon rubs his hands over his face. "Let's say, I go. How the hell are you going to get back? Huh? I'll take the ship. No, fuck this, I'd just let the Dothraki clobb you over the head and drag you aboard. They like me more than you. Because I know how to sail the ship, mostly."  
"Very funny." Robb says with that expression that basically screams 'Theon, I don't think this is funny at all. Look at my brows drawn in disapproval'.  
"No, not funny at all." Theon gives him a sour smile. "You don't seriously think I'd leave you all by yourself in some strange city."  
"Didn't have a problem with leaving me behind after you'd returned to Pyke."  
"Oh, you bastard," Theon exclaims with a bitter snort. "Of course you'd bring that up. But you know what, that only shows me that you have no remotely reasonable argument against my words."  
"I can't go." Robb looks stricken now. "I can't. This is the only lead we have, the fucking only trace my sister has left in the past years!" He's yelling the last.  
"Okay." Theon says. "Okay, we'll stay a little longer."

****

They're worlds away from Westeros. Still no word of Arya. But here they're standing, with the sun setting and Theon turning around to look at him, the last rays of sun like a red halo around his head. And he remembers him looking back at him like that, only days after they'd left the Dreadfort. And, oh, how different are their circumstances now. Theon looks so fucking beautiful and it's all so unbelievably perfect in that moment and then he smirks at him as if he knows exactly what Robb is thinking. Robb leans forward and kisses Theon right there in the middle of the street.  
Theon kisses him back, one arm snaking around Robb's neck, pulling him closer instead of pushing away. And when he finally parts, both their breaths going a little harder, he says with deliciously reddened lips and a devlish smile, "You're such a sap, Stark. A little sunset, that's all I need to get into your pants?"  
"You know very well, that all you need, to get into my pants, is me actually having pants on." Robb retorts drily.  
"Oh hell," Theon leans back in with a growl, letting out a moan, when Robb bites his lips. His hand moves from Robb's neck into his hair.

*

They're somewhere in fucking Bravoos and they're making out on the streets like horny teenagers, while there are queens to support, kingdoms to free and sisters to save. But hey, it's not like they're his sisters. Theon involuntarily smirks against Robb's lips, when he imagines Robb's indignated face if he told him that. No, all this saving and making up for the past has to wait for a little. Theon is done with feeling constantly bad for everything he did. And the reason for that is mainly Robb. Because how can you keep up your low self-esteem if you got someone constantly looking at you like you're incredibly special and got stars raining out of your ears or something, like he can't believe Theon's actually here with him and is eternally grateful for that. And of course, like he wants to hump his bones every second of the day.  
The last is probably the most helpful for Theon's meticulously shattered ego.  
"We should get a room," he murmurs to Robb.  
"We have a room." Robb points out, always the smartass, without bothering to seperate their lips enough for his words to come out without a slurr.  
"We should get to that room then." Theon licks over Robb's teeth. "Or we could hobble over to that convenient, dark alley over there, or even walk if you're willing to take your hands out of my pants for long enough."  
"We're probably going to get mugged in there." Robb points out, as it turns out unwilling to remove his hands from anything Theon.  
"No, worries. By the noises you always make, they'll probably think I'm already in the process of murdering you." Theon says with a emphazising squeeze of Robb's crotch, through his pants. "By the way, Stark, I'm just shocked by your willingness to participate in sexual activities in public places. So lewd."

****

"Arya!" He can't believe the gaunt-looking girl, dressed all in black is his sister. "Arya!" He starts running now, "Arya! Arya!" feeling close to hysteria.  
Her face is formed into a scowl, before her eyes go wide.  
"Robb?" She takes a step back. "Robb, you're alive?"

****

"You should be dead." Arya tells him, nothing in her eyes, not even anger.  
"Yes, I probably should be." Theon concedes. "But I'm not." He looks at Arya, not challengingly, just assessing. "I can see that you've been through your share of pain. But so have I. You don't get to judge me. Robb, yes. You're not."  
"Maybe not." Arya shrugs. "Maybe you're going to have an accident."  
"No, I'm not going to. You wouldn't do that to Robb."

****

"How can you trust him?!"  
"How can I not trust him?"  
"That's what killed mom!" Arya screams at him. "Your stupid trust! Dad trusted in justice! Mom trusted Jaime Lannister wouldn't break his word! And you, you just trust everyone!!"  
"I'm sorry, Arya."  
"Kill him, if you're sorry."  
"No. And the sister I've known wouldn't ask for such a thing."  
"Yeah, but you don't know me, and neither do I."

****

"I understand, if you choose her over me." Theon says.  
"I know you would." Robb says tiredly. "You'd probably understand it better than me staying with you. So, I'm saying this slowly, so you can get used to the idea. I'm staying with you. I've lost enough people I cared about to be aware who I can do without and who not."  
A gasp escapes Theon. And the bewilderment in Theon's eyes stresses even more how important it is to say this.  
"She is save that's what matters. If she decides to turn from me, because of you, that is her decision. I made my decision a long time ago. I did it back then against everybody else's disapproval and I'll do it again. And at the bottom line, no matter what happens, it's still going to be you and me. I thought it wasn't for some time, I admit that. But I'd already made up my mind while I was shackled inside a fucking dungeon, when we'd both been so far from what we are, that is was hard to know what's right or wrong."  
"You hated me at the Dreadfort!" Theon tries to contradict him.  
"Not enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter without Jeyne and I already miss her.
> 
> As always comments would make me ecstatic (I won't even delete them if they're negative ;D)
> 
> By the way, the '20/80' part is supposed to mean a 20% chance of things going badly, I'm not sure whether I should have written it '80/20'. Which number is supposed to come first?


	7. See what I've done, that bridge is on fire, going back to where I've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They've finally found Arya, but things are far from fine. And finally that's beginning to take it's toll on Robb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry for the long wait but I've been struck with severe writer's block concerning this pairing. But now I've finally gotten this chapter to a point where I'm satisfied with it.
> 
> So, for now this will be the last chapter. If inspiration hits me again I might add a few more chapters. I still have some ideas but I have to see if they add up to a complete chapter.
> 
> Anyway, thanks to everyone who's been reading and who's left kudos and comments. I love every single one of you. Writing this story has been one of the best experiences I've had here on AO3, I've never before encountered readers who were so supportive and gave so much back. Thank you to everybody! I hope you will enjoy this chapter.

It comes to Theon only slowly. He would have thought he was more fine-tuned to Robb. But obviously not as much as to Ramsay. With him he caught every whiff of a mood-change. But, well, it's probably different if your life doesn't depend on it. That's a good thing, he concedes. 

He doesn't really get it though, until it jumps right into his face.

"I mean, it went well, right?" Theon shrugs. "We found her, she's alright. She's a little hostile right now, but so was I. She'll get over it. It'll be okay."  
"No! Nothing is okay! Nothing will be okay!" Robb exclaims, anguish plain on his face, laced with weariness, a soul worn so thin, raw flesh is starting to show through. "How could it be! Look at her! She's become a professional murderer! How could that be okay! How could that ever be okay?! Look at yourself!"  
"We are still alive." Theon replies.  
"Yes," Robb smiles sadly. "That's what we all have to keep repeating so we don't go crazy."

****

Nothing's okay. And Robb is slowly starting to realize that. Yes, they are still alive, but his family is still dead and he's done nothing to avenge them. But he wants to. So terribly much.

****

"And Sansa! I don't even know what she's doing right now! Where she is. What's happening to her. Anything could happen. All kind of vile things could be happening to her right this moment," Robb's voice has become a whisper. "And I wouldn't even know."  
"Concentrate on fixing things with Arya first, before you start worrying about Sansa. One step at a time."  
"Is that how you did it in the Dreadfort? One step at a time."  
No, not really, Theon thinks. At the Dreadfort there hadn't really been a plan. There it was just a complete assault of the senses at all time. Blows from all directions you didn't expect, and the others too. Most times there wasn't a chance to act, only to react. It took Theon a long time to get back to the point of being able to act.   
"You maybe feel like you've lost control right now," Theon carefully starts, trying to order the mixture of thoughts and feelings he's trying to share. "but you're in the process of winning it back. And it's going to become easier. I can promise you that. And as much as I can, I will try to help you make it easier."  
Robb looks caught off guard for real now. The weariness and bitter edge leave his face, at least a little.

****

Theon is confused and not just a little helpless. After all that time, to watch Robb breaking down, when really things have finally turned for the better. But maybe that is the point, after you've told yourself for so long that things are going to get better and then they finally get better and you don't feel any different.

****

Theon's own inclination would be too much towards staying in, moping, but since it's Robb's now too, he has to be the strong one, this time. Has to be at least some resemblance to the cheery guy he used to be.  
"Hey, let's go out, Robb! I want to look around the market at the docks."  
"Go ahead, I'll take a look at the maps." Robb answers with his now everyday tired voice.  
"You've looked at the maps for days. Westeros is not suddenly going to grow arms and reach over the Narrow Sea."  
Now Robb looks up. "It's not going to what?" He asks incredulously.  
"You heard me." Theon retorts with a smirk.  
Robb laughs at that. Out loud. A weak laugh, but nevertheless, Theon celebrates his victories as they come.

****

"Don't bother, Theon." Robb shakes his head with a bitter smile. "I know what you're trying to do. And you're not even particularly good at it."  
"Be that as it may." Theon shrugs. "And if you want to insult me, you really have to do better. You're not even trying."  
"Seriously, Theon. It's not going to work. You of all people should know best, that empty words will cheer no one up."  
"You really got no grounds for complaints, Stark." Theon continues.  
"Just stop, Theon. I don't have to listen to this. And I can think of a handful of things to say that'll make you drop this and leave. I'll say them and you'll be angry and it won't help either of us. So just drop it."  
Yes, it would be easy to get angry, very easy. But that's the problem. Theon promised Robb that he would be brave, that he would try, so now he can't just take the easy way out anylonger.  
"I know you could," Theon replies instead. "I'm still not exactly overconfident about this whole thing and it wouldn't be hard for you to bring all that out again. And I certainly don't want to hear that. But you're out of luck today. Because I love you and I'm not going to stop. No matter how scared I am."

****

"I know you don't like me and honestly, I'm not overly fond of you either," Theon starts the conversation. "But don't take this out on Robb. What is it you blame him for exactly? That life sucks? Well, big surprise. Most of your family is dead. And I know you think you're too tough to care about that right now, and I guess you had to get that way to survive. But it is important. Family is. So turn down your attitude around him."  
"You of all people–" Arya roars.  
He stops her right there. "I know it would be easy to blame all this on me, but none of this happened because of me. This happened because some people fought over a throne. And no matter how you twist it, your father did too. He could have said, fuck it, doesn't matter who sits on the Iron Throne, no business of mine. He could have returned to the North. You would still have a secure, pampered childhood and I would still go to the village whores. But your father decided to fight over that throne. And now we all are here."  
"You make it sound damn easy, don't you?" Arya asks, angrily.  
"I know what it feels like to destroy what you love out of sheer stupidity or because the situation seems to command it, because there seems to be no other choice. Think long and hard about what is important to you. If you decide your anger is more important than Robb, so be it. I won't stop you from pushing him away, if you really think there's nothing to repair there."  
She's silent at that, still bristling at him, but not denying what he's said.

****

"I see it now, you know," Arya says to Theon, wistfully. "I see that he needs you." She snorts a little defeatedly. "Who, with eyes, wouldn't see it when Robb looks at you. I accept it. I don't like you any better for it. But I can't hate you as much as I'd like to, knowing what he feels for you. Robb might be too generous with his trust in general, but when he loves someone, he usually has reason for it."  
"That's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever told me." Theon returns, only partly joking.

****

"Be good to him." Theon says to her, sadly but commanding. "He's not as he used to be. He's lost too much. He's too good for experiencing so much evil. He can't bottle it up anymore. And I can't see him hurting anymore. I'm not able to fix him all by myself. I'm too fucked-up myself."  
"I can put your mind at ease, Greyjoy." Arya says, something like disbelief at his words in her eyes. "The only reason you're still alive is because you fix him. As much as we all loved him, it was always you. And it still is."

****

"You have to be careful with him, Arya." Robb says, face serious, pained lines showing up. "He's...he's not as he used to be. He's been through a lot of really bad shit. I know what you're gonna say, Arya, but no. You have no idea what happened to him. He's fragile. That cover he's created by now has taken him long enough and it's only on the surface. If it gets too much it could all spiral down again."  
"You know, Theon has told me almost the same thing about you. Give him some credit." Arya's eyes go into the distance. "I'd never thought I'd ever say this, but I'm almost jealous of what you two have."

****

"I love you." Robb says, when he enters their room at the Inn.  
"What did I do now?" Theon asks, turning around on his chair, arms resting on the back of the seat now, as he regards Robb curiously.  
"Did you ever have to do anything for it?"  
They crash down on the bed. And it's like they're back in their teenage days. Where everything was so unbelievably urgent and yet so incredibly easy. When there was no hurry, despite that there was.  
"Oh, fuck me!" Theon exclaims.

When he wakes up, Robb is still sleeping, face half buried in the pillow, black locks falling into his face. Theon just stares at him, smile creeping on his face as his fingers into Robb's hair.  
His body hurts in a place it hasn't done in quite a long time. And in an even longer time for a good reason. But if this isn't a good reason, than one shouldn't bother to find one.

*

Robb is scared. He lies there awake and doesn't dare to open his eyes. Is too afraid to take that last step to being awake. Doesn't know what awaits him if he does. He feels Theon awake beside him. It's probably a good sign he hasn't run yet. Robb knows he has to open his eyes soon, can't be a coward in this, has no right to be.  
"Stark, for fuck's sake," Theon's voice interrupts Robb's inner turmoil. "Your breathing is uneven."  
Robb's eyes flick open. Theon's closer than he expected and is getting closer still. It's a chaste kiss, but a happy kiss. It's not just Theon asserting for Robb that he's okay. It's Theon being okay.

****

Arya shows up beside him, as so often these days. Out of nowhere. He doesn't even pretend anylonger to have an idea how she does it. The most disturbing part is, that even his dogs don't smell her.   
She eyes the dogs with wariness, then throws Theon her trademark disdainful look.  
"I couldn't believe it back then, when you stayed." She says. And Theon needs a moment to figure out what exactly she's talking about. It seems a lifetime ago, those weeks of not knowing, of everything changing, all those years ago. When they all knew things would never be the same again, but they hadn't yet known how deeply and irrefutably they would be changed.  
"If you love someone," Theon states. "You have to be willing to eat some shit for them." Even though, back then, he didn't even have an idea of the things he would be willing to do for Robb. He laughs. Arya looks at him weirdly.

****

Arya has no idea what's supposed to have happened to Theon that could have been worse than what she's been through. For what she remembers Theon was a right wimp. Okay, she's seen his hands. But, hell, that's only fleshwounds. He hasn't seen the things she has seen, hasn't done the things she has done. But when she looks into his eyes she thinks, maybe he did.

****

Arya comes more often to visit him now. Robb is pretty sure that somehow he has Theon to thank for that. They're not exactly happy moments they spend together and often the conversations are laced with poison, but they talk and that's all that counts for Robb. And she's starting to mellow, he can tell that. Piece for piece she's starting to let her armor down. And he can't blame her, can he? She was a child when he last saw her. She saw their father die and since then she's been on the run. All by herself.

****

She can't put her finger on it. All the things Robb and Theon don't tell her. All the ways in which they don't even begin to resemble the people she knew back home. Especially Theon. His hair, his fingers, the way he holds his body, defiant and weathered. Those dogs. Those strange dogs that seem to watch her whenever she gets close to him. And she looks them in the eyes and she can tell that they have killed before, that they have had a taste of human flesh. He seems to walk through the city streets without purpose, everyday.  
She's not a trained assassin of one of the most renowned guilds for nothing. She will follow Theon and she will watch him and she will find out what he is up to. She will find his secrets, all of them.

****

He looks at her in surprise. Hurt. Reaching for his clothes. Looking young beyond his years. Then it stops. His hand drops. His face closes down.  
"Got what you came for?" He asks her derisively.  
"I'm... Gods, Theon. How did that happen?"  
"The usual way," Theon responds. "With a knife." He sneers at her taken aback look. "The truth is seldom anything but ugly." He continues. "Didn't your masters teach you that yet? I know mine did." He laughs out loud.

****

She's never seen Robb that angry. Never at her.  
"You had no right! You had... Do you know what you've done? Are you proud of yourself?! Have you tried enough to prove what kind of person he is? You know what? You've only proven what kind of person you are."

****

They're practically strangers. There's nothing to connect them except their blood. He didn't even think about the things she must have been through to get that way. He only thought to protect Theon. Maybe it is time to go their seperate ways. Just as there is no use in trying to salvage anything from the ruins of their home.

****

"Arya!"  
It's not the voice she expected that calls her. Warily she turns around. "Theon."  
"Walk with me." He more orders than asks.  
She does so, grudgingly.

*

"I know our lives didn't go the way we wanted. And I think by now, even you have realised that we can't fix this, that there's no point at which we'll be able to say that we had a bad time and now things are the way they were supposed to be. Life's not that simple. I had a hard time myself to adjust to the fact." Theon thinks of the last moments of his father, thinks of the sister he has somewhere across the Narrow Sea, who he hasn't seen in over a year, who he will definitely see again. But even then all bets are off. Then again, who knows what will happen? Daenerys might die tomorrow by food-poisoning. The White Walkers could be climbing the Wall by now. Or maybe Jeoffrey Baratheon will be dead before they even return to Westeros. Who knows? "We have to accept that what we are now is maybe who we were supposed to be all along. I will not be king of the Iron Islands. I will never have children. But I know I can be proud of who I am right now. I know that what I have achieved is more than I could have ever done by taking over the reign of my father. We've all been through more than one person should be in a lifetime. And despite everything, you've become a fighter, an assassin. I have a ship. I've led a fleet into battle. And Robb, well, he never wanted to be king. And maybe, at Daenerys' side he'll be able to bring peace back to Westeros."  
Arya is silent, when he finishes.  
"When have you've become so calm and self-reflected?" She asks then.  
"Oh, that development took it's sweet time."

****

"I'm not hurt, Robb." It's said without anger. "And I don't need you to fight my battles." Theon snorts. "Least of all against your little sister. Make peace."  
"Theon, she–"  
"Shut up."

***

They're standing there, outside the inn. Awkwardly. All their defenses back up. Arya is the first who speaks then. She doesn't know exactly what to say, how to fix this. How to convey to her brother what she feels and what her intentions were. Isn't good with wielding words anylonger, only weapons.

*

Robb isn't sure what he expected Arya would say, but certainly not that.  
"It's almost pathological how you guys end up getting back together every single time." Arya tells him. "Annoyed me to no end back then at Winterfell. I thought like, hell, this is probably the very fucking thing Sansa's always going on about. And yeah, it's probably partly our fault that he didn't come back. We never gave him a chance. I never did. I am now."  
And he realises those are the right words. And it doesn't matter what has happened and how much time has passed. Because they're brother and sister and they're both trying. Robb smiles at her then. It's a little too soon for a hug and he's not sure she'd allow it either way. And he's learned a thing or two up unwanted physical contact from Theon. So he just smiles. And after a while Arya grins back at him. And under the cuts and bruises that often adorn her face these days he can almost see the girl he last saw at Winterfell.

***

"I've accepted one thing." Theon tells him.  
"And what is that?" Robb asks.  
"Things will become better and then they'll get worse again. And we won't just take it as it comes. We'll make sure the bad parts don't last longer than necessary. I'm not finished with this life, Robb. Not by far. There are thousands of things I still want to do. I wanna see different places. I wanna travel to all the places so far away no once seen them yet." Theon says. "And I want to do them with you."  
And Robb's surprised. Suddenly he's become the one who needs help. And Theon's been there to carry his weight. Without question. Without struggle. When for a long time it had been Robb, waiting for Theon to start wanting anything again. To have passion for something. To acknowledge that his life isn't over.  
Robb swallows. "Let's do that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me your thoughts about the chapter. And if you have ideas of things that I still could write about for these two please feel free to leave these also here. ^.^

**Author's Note:**

> You read it, you might as well comment.


End file.
